I have something a bit controversial to discuss in order that I might make my point so buckle up if you are easily offended or sensitive. I came across a ministry founded by Robert and Susan Irwin called Become One Flesh. They have a website–becomeoneflesh.com, and they offer e-books relating to all manner of topics relating to sexual intimacy in the context of marriage. I have found their website and e-books quite informative and helpful, and I recommend them wholeheartedly. They are not squeamish in the least about the body, sexuality, and how men and women relate sexually. It’s rather refreshing particularly since they are Christians. Mr. Irwin recently wrote a book about the male “G-spot”. Apparently, he received many requests for more information from both husbands and wives who are looking to experience greater intimacy and pleasure in their marriages, and they specifically asked for information related to prostate stimulation. Upon the publication of this book, Mr. Irwin received phone calls from various Evangelical pastors who stated that they could not endorse this particular book because it was offensive or even “gay” or “homosexual” because prostate stimulation does involve anal penetration. Mind you, it would be a wife who would be sexually stimulating and pleasuring her husband, not a gay lover, but that did not matter. I subscribe to Mr. Irwin’s emails, and this is what he said:
“It’s Robert Irwin of BecomeOneFlesh.com. And I wanted to apologize for something. Yesterday, I sent you an email introducing the “Pre Launch” of my newest book, Ultimate Male Pleasure, and I may have been a tiny bit too direct in part of the email. In the P.S. I said: “This is the book that has already gotten me into “hot water” with some of the supposed “authorities” on what’s okay and not relative (sic) to Christian sexual activity. You have been warned. Although this book has the power to rock your sexual life like nothing else not everyone will be “okay” with its subject matter. So, please don’t send me any emails about how shocked you are by this book. Like all of my other resources, if I wasn’t 100% positive that everything in the book was powerful, effective AND morally “okay,” I wouldn’t have written the book in the first place.”
That may have been a bit “strong”. I certainly didn’t mean to offend anyone. It could have been worded differently. But, it was written while I was still upset about a phone conversation I had just had with a certain “Christian authority” that had been trying to convince me to not (sic) release Ultimate Male Pleasure. I should have cooled off a bit before finishing the email. That said, here’s what he was telling me (basically), “Look, although we both agree that there is nothing in Scripture that would keep Christian husbands from exploring their ‘Male G Spot,’ you still shouldn’t release this book…Other “authorities” will NEVER support you, publicly. And, why bother? Most couples don’t really care about exploring ‘the outer limits’ of sexuality within their marriage. They just want you to tell them that they don’t need to feel guilty about having normal, ‘average’ sex…”
Geesh…I was pretty upset even though I know he was mostly just stating “the facts.” I’ve already received some “heat” from other supposed “authorities” because they feel they must “tow the party line” (i.e. Although male prostate stimulation is, technically, the only way to achieve the highest levels of male sexual pleasure, it is just TOO DIFFICULT to deal with all of the ASSUMPTIONS that many people make about it being somehow “wrong” or “gay.” ). And, frankly, even with my beloved subscribers, only a small percentage are truly committed to exploring the outer limits of what is possible in their marriage bed. But, you know what? None of that matters! None of it! Why? Because I have a mission. A mission to “do my job” to the best of my ability. And, “my job” is to tell you EVERYTHING that could possibly make your married sex life better. And, I have only managed to achieve that mission, to any level, so far, by being HONEST with you. Frankly, I don’t get how “Christian authorities” justify telling “half-truths” about Christian sex. I just can’t do it. So, as you know, I went ahead and released Ultimate Male Pleasure, because I’ve received thousands of requests from husbands and wives to expand on those parts of our resources that (briefly) dealt with this subject. know “the facts” about what Scripture says on the matter. I’ve prayed about it and feel that it was the right thing to do. And, I am tired of “holding back” when men and women ask me for the “ultimate” secrets to male pleasure and I avoid this subject just because it’s “easier” to not (sic) deal with the surrounding ASSUMPTIONS. So although I DO apologize to those that felt my “P.S.” was a little too “strong”I am proud of Ultimate Male Pleasure and, now, will direct readers to it when they want “the whole story” on male sexual pleasure and it WILL remain in our library.”
The point of my post is not to discuss male prostate stimulation. I want to discuss the attitude that Mr. Irwin faced before he released his book, Ultimate Male Pleasure. This attitude is pervasive, and you will find it everywhere particularly among Christians. It’s a curious phenomenon because it’s really the last place it belongs. I’ll give you a few examples that are less uncomfortable. When I was 19 years-old, I was diagnosed with a seizure disorder, but as is often the case with seizure disorders, witnessing and documenting seizures can be tricky. So, I was admitted to a prestigious hospital with a well-known “epilepsy center” in New York City. There was nothing prestigious about the week-long experience. It was like a chapter out of One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest with deceptive psychiatrists and creepy neurologists. At the end of my stay, one of the mustachioed psychiatrists looked me in the eye and said, “You are a pretty girl. That ought to be enough for you.” Yes, yes, atta girl! Go out into the world, and be pretty. Settle for the hand you’ve been dealt, and desire nothing more. Mediocrity. Pain. Desolation. Sickness. If that’s your lot in life, it’s not a lot, but it’s your life!
Years later after the birth of one of my daughters, I couldn’t lose 18 pounds of baby weight. I was out with a friend one evening lamenting my situation, feeling oafish and fat, longing to wear my “normal” clothes rather than “stretchy” pants. Oh, the drama of a post-partum woman struggling to lose weight. It’s hard. My friend who happened to be stunningly gorgeous (I always felt like she should wear a T-Shirt that said, “I’m with Frumpy the Hausfrau” when we went out together) looked me in the eye, and said, “Maybe you ought to just accept the fact that your body is going to look like this now. Maybe you’re never going to lose that weight.” I was shocked. Was she serious? I was going to look like a deflated puffer fish for the rest of my life? I was supposed to settle for my new “look”? Once again, this should be enough for me. Get used to it. The self-consciousness. The feelings of otherness. The unfamiliar body looking back at me in the mirror. Feeling completely unattractive to my husband not to mention the disappearance of my libido. Just settle into it.
Over the past few weeks, months, and years, I have been told that my quest for wholeness and healing in all its forms is unrealistic. The people who are implying this the most are people who claim to be followers of Jesus. I’m not picking on the Christians, but I do want to make a point. Of all the people on the planet who ought to have the most hope, the most joy, the most winsome good cheer, and the least judgment and dread, it really ought to be us–followers and lovers of Jesus. He promises redemption and restoration, and He didn’t say that we had to wait until Heaven to experience it. He said that the Kingdom of God was at hand (Mark 1). Do you know what that means? Imagine a place and a state of being where every promise and intention that God, who is the source of all love and everything that is good, ever made, declared, and created came to pass. This means complete healing, wholeness, restoration, reconciliation, and eradication of death in all its forms. When Jesus proclaimed that the Kingdom of God was at hand, He was declaring that there was divine power to bring forth that kingdom into our world and our lives. That, my friends, is exceedingly good news! So, why would any of us tell another person to settle for anything less than that?
I do realize that there is a “not yet” quality to the nature of the Kingdom of God. We are experiencing a foretaste of the banquet that is to come, but why should we not feast on the appetizers of God’s character–His goodness, His kindness, His mercy, His grace, His power to heal and restore, His love and His forgiveness? Why settle for crumbs when there are great, heaping spoonfuls to be savored?
I am telling you that the attitude of the pastor that told Mr. Irwin to withhold the release of his book is harmful to all people because it is contrary to the very nature and character of God. Do you honestly believe that God gave us sex so that we could experience it in all its…”average-ness”? We have not been called to settle for suffering or mediocrity. We have not been called to settle for just being pretty or overweight or lonely or afraid or isolated or traumatized or desolate or desperate or grieved or empty or dissatisfied. If there are “outer limits” to be enjoyed in the marriage bed, then I know that there are “outer limits” to be explored in our lives. Your healing and wholeness in every area of your life is not an option. It is a right. Be it a quest to overcome past abuse and enjoy mind-blowing and erotic sex with your spouse or a desire to lose weight and be healthy or a desire to overcome social anxiety or a desire to reach a previously unattainable goal or fulfill a dream, do not settle for your “lot in life” because someone once said you should particularly if they said so in God’s name. Pursue the life for which you were created because you are made in the image of a God who is infinitely good, loving and powerful, and because your pursuit of wholeness is honorable and courageous not to mention adventurous and exciting. It might be fraught with pain and uncertainty, but all grand adventures are.
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten–the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm–my great army that I sent among you.” Joel 2:25