Hello all! I know that it’s been a while since I posted anything. I have a good reason. I moved to San Francisco in July. Finally. The evolution of my life and that of my family has played out on this little blog, and longtime readers have witnessed it. I started out ten years ago writing about healing from trauma in general as if I had somehow achieved it. The more I explored the topic of healing and trauma in their various contexts, the more I observed that I, in fact, was not enjoying life from a place of wholeness. I was simply codependent with a truckload of unresolved trauma. Yes, I had spent years in therapists’ offices doing good work–deep work even, but peace of mind and, dare I say, joy were always out of reach. The last ten years of my life have, therefore, been about intentionally engaging in creating a life that I want to live with full awareness of the hurdles I must overcome to do that.
I feel compelled to say that creating a life that you really want to live founded upon a healed personality in body, mind, and spirit is a very difficult and painful undertaking but a vital and rewarding one nonetheless.
That being said, I want to talk about something that I knew was true in theory and have also observed and experienced in practice as well. Have you ever heard someone say, “Wherever you go, there you are”? The first time I heard this rather enigmatic statement, I didn’t really know what it meant. It sounds like something the Cheshire cat would remark to Alice after she asks him for directions.
I now know what it means. It means that you cannot run away from yourself or your “inner demons”. When you are alone, you are never really alone because you are always alone with yourself along with all the voices in your head be they kind, mean, critical, intimidating, encouraging, or anything else. Wherever you go, that is where you will be. In short, you can’t outrun your life and your proverbial baggage both internal and external, and I experienced this quite poignantly after I moved to California.
There were things that did, of course, change right away which lifted necessary burdens. I sold my old house! This was such a blessing because I lack the endurance to take care of a 70 year-old house which makes me sound old. I have an autoimmune disorder. I can’t mow the lawn in 90 degree heat and then weed the garden, and, even if I were in perfect health, I wouldn’t want to.
Living in a flat in San Francisco is a gift. The weather is great, and I don’t have to do yard work. My list of To-Do’s just got shorter. I have more time to do the things I want, and that is the point of downsizing. I “Marie-Kondo-ed” my life, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in terms of minimizing and being very intentional about what possessions I really needed. But, how does one “Marie Kondo”, if you will, one’s mindset?
Does that make sense?
Let me put it this way. When I was packing up my four-bedroom house complete with basement, I had the opportunity to look through 20 years of accumulation. I picked up every item at least once and decided its fate–donate, throw away, or pack. We let go of roughly 70% of our possessions, and it was liberating. It wasn’t that difficult to do because I forgot that I had most of the stuff. It is similar for beliefs. We act, decide, behave, think and feel certain things because we believe certain things, but I suspect that we don’t really know what beliefs we are actively holding onto or why we are believing these things. What if those beliefs are hindering or harming us? What can we do?
Here is an example from my life:
I really struggle to ask for what I want and need. In fact, I would rather never ask for what I want or need in the context of a relationship. I recently observed that I would rather let the other person take the lead, but this causes a relational imbalance because one person’s needs and wants are driving the relationship (this defines my former marriage). For the other person, it might start to feel one-sided or lacking in reciprocity. I know this. I would never want another person to feel like that. That being said, when I am asked directly, “What do you want? What do you need?” I freeze and can’t answer. This is in the context of relational issues. And, you can forget about asking for sex. I’d rather let a tarantula crawl on me. Have I always been like this? Nope. So, what is going on? What belief is at play here?
As you know, my former marriage was domestically violent. I was fairly assertive when I was married and did ask for what I want and need from my ex-husband, but it did not go well for me. He eventually got tired of listening to me ask for things from him, and, to silence me once and for all, he sexually assaulted me. He even said, “Happy now?” after one of his physical outbursts as if sexual intimacy and rape were the same thing. His sexual violence was meant to silence me, and it worked. I stopped asking for anything. So, when I was recently asked to share what I wanted or needed, those experiences with my ex-husband immediately surfaced along with feelings of panic. I realized that I have to re-learn not only how to trust that I will be heard but also that I will not be harmed in my vulnerability. Not only is it normal to feel vulnerable when asking for what you want and need because you risk rejection, but I fear, on some level, that I will be physically harmed. The body remembers, and I feel very uncomfortable.
I had no idea that I was walking around, living my life, believing these things, and yet here I am, holding up these beliefs like I held up my old possessions. They aren’t quite as easy to get rid of though. But, now I know that I have them, and that is the first step!
It is very easy to talk ourselves out of taking risks and taking the initiative in our lives. Being intentional about how we live isn’t the norm, and I know from personal experience how difficult it is. I’m currently living in a city where I know next to no one, and everyone in my doctoral program is a lot younger than I am. I feel quite out of place. That being said, I love the idea of starting over and reinvention. I love the idea of stepping back, holding up an old way of thinking and asking, “Where did this come from? Do I like thinking this way? Where did I learn this? Does this serve me? Does this spark joy? Do I want to keep this? I think I’d like to think a better thought.”
I like the idea of answering those questions, and then setting out on a path to thinking better thoughts and building stronger, healthier, and better beliefs about yourself, your relationships, your present and future. In some cases, you actually have to lay down each brick on your path as you’re walking it because it is completely new, and it might feel like your process is taking forever. You’re a pioneer in your own life! You are going where no one in your family has ever gone. You are the one who is going to change everything. Break the cycles. Tear up the old foundations. Build a new thing. Lay a new foundation. For those of you doing that, it does take a long time, and it is the most worthy undertaking.
So, as I always say, keep going. Five years ago, I would never have imagined that I would be writing a blog post from San Francisco. You never know where your intention and hard work will take you. Be brave!