Challenging the Ex Factor

I have been winding down my life in the cold North in preparation to pack it up and move it to the Bay Area.  Adieu, snow and cold.  Hello, Karl! This is Karl:

Karl the Fog (Washington Post)

Karl the Fog has his own Twitter (@KarltheFog) and Instagram (karlthefog) accounts.  After two decades of snow and ice, I am thrilled to get to know Karl.  In the midst of asking my sock drawer if it sparks joy, looking through Bay Area real estate when I have insomnia, and dealing with the expected (and unexpected) challenges of life, clarity and a sound mind have finally begun to emerge, I will carefully admit.

As usual, I will elaborate.

The hardest thing about this process has been meetings with my ex-husband.  Were it not for the Ex Factor, I would enjoy this process of transition more.  To me, there is something essentially good about intentionally closing one chapter of your life and beginning another.  I observe this because, in my experience, so many endings in life seem forced upon us without our say or expectation, or they are one-sided.  Bring to mind the events in life that evoke the concept of an ending–divorce, job layoffs, breakups, serious illnesses, betrayals, financial ruin, and, of course, death.  Many of these events come upon us out of the blue particularly in childhood and adolescence.  If your parents or primary guardians divorced, then you certainly had no say about the dissolution of your family as you knew it.  From a child’s perspective, divorce can feel one-sided and often unexpected.  It is not the gentle closing of a chapter but rather a metaphorical book burning.  As with divorce, other life experiences can feel the same, and that sense of finality can equate to a feeling of life closing in around us rather than life opening up bringing new possibilities.

I have wanted to give my daughters (and myself) a positive transition, but, whenever I have had scheduled meetings with my ex-husband, I have experienced the situation through the lens of trauma and anxiety feeling thrust back into that ever-narrowing emotional experience of perceived forced entrapment and fear.  That is what unresolved traumatic experiences leave us with–a belief that we no longer have choices.  Sometimes there is an internalized and often unchallenged belief that we are being forced into former roles and thought patterns.  We must play the part no matter who cast us.  I asked of myself if I was the one casting myself in an old role.  A hard but necessary question to ask.  There was no black-and-white answer.

As it turns out, all those necessary meetings with my ex-husband forced me to challenge those negative core beliefs and, I say begrudgingly, resulted in something quite beneficial.  I admit this cautiously because my marriage didn’t end well, and I also want to emphasize that it isn’t always healthy or safe for people to meet with former abusers.  While my ex and I are presently civil and negotiate adequately, I was very afraid of him when we separated.  When my former therapist, whom I was seeing at the time my marriage ended, directly told me that I was experiencing domestic violence and suggested that I get to know some local women’s shelters, I, to be blunt, lost my sh*t.  I was not ready to be confronted with that truth.  I unfairly judged myself as a woman who “knew better”, and I learned that some people I knew judged me in much the same way–“I thought you were a woman who would know better.”  After everything I had been through with my parents and even the process of recovery from adolescent human trafficking, I honestly believed that I was beyond being victimized again.  Surely I would never again put myself in a situation to be traumatized or abused.  I never imagined that I would be someone who would lie to people about how I was injured–“I don’t know why I’m limping.  I think I ran into the door or just woke up that way.”  Alas, that wasn’t the case.

The first few times I met with my ex-husband after our initial separation, I endured the meetings while trying to present a calm, cool affect.  I would later return home and descend into a strange purgatory-like state of depersonalized, emotional zombiism–feeling neither psychically alive nor dead.  Our interactions would replay in my mind, and, in hindsight, I noticed a pattern in his communication style.  We would cover the necessary ground in our meetings, but he would characteristically say something extremely hurtful and mean.  The verbal tactics were quite familiar to me, and, in retrospect, I should have anticipated this.  I refrained from passive aggressive remarks or even bitter verbal swipes.  In the beginning, it would take me weeks to recover from a one-hour meeting.  I would sink into a kind of depression adrift in very negative intrusive thoughts and surges of flashbacks.  In those moments, I felt quite stuck in a mélange of distorted thoughts and toxic emotions melding together into a manifestation of negative beliefs and self-judgment.  I would feel like I would never be free of him.  He would always be the all-powerful perpetrator, and I could never truly have the ability to effectively self-advocate.  I was essentially stuck in the all-or-nothing distortion of Him/Perpetrator:Me/Victim.  Derailing that thought train became one of my primary goals.

How? In the moment when the past becomes present and former injuries be they physical and/or psychological become brand new again, how does one clarify the distortions and dam the deluge of negativity in order to properly interpret circumstances and achieve emotional regulation?

These are not simple questions, and they are not easily answered in one blog post.  What I can say is that I turned a corner recently, and I share it because it might be useful.  I met with my ex-husband and our accountant a few weeks ago for the annual tax paperwork exchange.  After she left, we awkwardly sat in a Panera making small talk.  I was quietly sipping on coffee when I heard him loudly yawn and assume The Catapult Position except his feet were outstretched into the aisle rather than onto the table:

The Catapult

In terms of body language, the Catapult is described as “an almost entirely male gesture used to intimidate others or to infer a relaxed attitude to lull you into a relaxed sense of security just before he ambushes you…The gesture is typical of…people who are feeling superior, dominant, or confident about something.” (Dimensions of Body Language)

He then told me, as he leaned back in this dominant-style pose, that we should never have been married.  He also said that I was the cause of all his anxiety during our marriage–something he rarely shared with me while we were married.  He went on to say that he was continually stuck in “fight-or-flight” because of me, and he said all this with a smug grin on his face as he looked off into the distance.  Smirking, he turned to make eye contact with me and said, “Oh, the last two years might have been painful for you.  Sorry about that.”  He was referencing the physical violence in that passing remark.  We then parted ways.  I drove home feeling confused and crazy.  What was he talking about? Was he being truthful? And then the thought train started…

I told a friend what he said.  Her comment? “MJ, he abused you for years.  Of course, he said that!” She went on to validate me and ask if I was okay, but I couldn’t internalize anything.  In my mind and body, I was stuck in Panera, looking at him leaning into that booth, outstretched and smirking, blaming me for his violence and newly confessed misery.  I felt re-victimized.  But then…

A moment occurred when I stopped and questioned the entire experience.  I know what happened.  My medical records document what happened.  My therapist knows what happened.  The people who love me know what happened.  Just because my former husband claims something doesn’t make it true, and, to be honest, it comes as no surprise that he is behaving badly now because he has always behaved like this.  There is a reason our marriage ended.  I paused and let what DBT calls one’s Wise Mind speak, “Why are you surprised that he is still engaging in unhealthy and victimizing behaviors? Isn’t this just another confirmation that you made the right decision? You walked away from a bad situation to build a better life.  You did the right thing, and this meeting is just another sign post that you are on the right road.”

In that moment, something clicked for me.  People who tend to abuse engage in abuse.  People who tend to exploit engage in exploitation.  People who engage in dishonesty tend to lie.  People who become violent tend to perpetrate myriad forms of violence.  People who are cowardly tend to display cowardice in different contexts.  Why would I expect a different set of behaviors from someone who has rarely historically offered different behaviors? And that’s when I knew.  The one person whom I can always count on to provide a different set of behaviors is me.  If I wanted to feel better feelings, think better thoughts, and stop the maladaptive thought train, then I was the one who had to change my paradigm.  Funnily enough, cognitively speaking I knew this! I’ve devoted a good part of this blog to this very topic, but internalizing this in real time while facing down a former abuser is very different than the intellectual process of knowing.  But, it can be done.

I don’t know how to neatly wrap this up because there is no pithy ending to a process like this.  I don’t believe that our processes to become better, healthier humans ever end, but I do think that it does become easier in some respects particularly when we know with whom to place our expectations and what to expect in general and specific.  In line with this idea, self-compassion comes into play here, and this may be a foreign and unpleasant idea for those of us with codependency in our backgrounds.  As I continue to try, however, I have come to believe that to truly take care of yourself and show yourself compassion showing up for yourself in small and big ways does make a difference.  Self-care and self-compassion do not seem to be about tuning out the world and checking out but are rather about tuning in to what you are ruminating on, what is driving you, and what you might be avoiding because you feel anxious and afraid.  Discerning the difference between tuning out and tuning in as I’ve tried to keep going has been very effective in helping me maintain momentum even in the midst of what has felt like setbacks.  And, I think that’s what is called resiliency.

It’s normal to be scared, anxious, and dislike uncertainty.  Preferring isolation when you’re stressed and fed up isn’t unusual either nor is avoidance, rumination, and intrusive thoughts particularly in the wake of post-traumatic stress.  But, there is also a much wider emotional spectrum that extends beyond these emotional and physiological experiences that includes joy, hope, increased distress tolerance, increased self-esteem, and the alleviation of shame and internalized judgment.  Once again, I will say the same thing because it continues to prove itself true time and time again.

You must keep going.  Always.

Further Reading

The influence of shame on post-trauma disorders: have we failed to see the obvious?







Resiliency and Vulnerability

I think I’ve tried to write a blog post six or seven times in six or seven weeks and failed each time.  If you knew my writing process, then you would know that is not me.  I have never had a problem writing anything.  The words have always flowed with ease.  Since the beginning of January I have felt frozen inside not unlike my upper Midwest environs.  An emotional Polar Vortex has settled within me, and I feel locked up and iced in.

So, what gives? I ask myself.  It almost feels like mild depression.  I don’t want to shower.  I don’t want to leave the house.  I don’t want to eat anything unless it involves chips and hummus.  I only want to drink coffee.  These are my two “vices”.  And, I just want to sit on my couch under a blanket in comfy pants and watch crime procedurals.  I don’t even want to vacuum anything.  The climate of my mind has turned cold, damp, and grey.  But, why?

I think I can pinpoint the reason.  It’s my ex-husband, but I’ll name him The Straw.  He is akin to the straw breaking the metaphorical camel’s back.  When I take a breath and assess the situation, the word resiliency comes to mind.  I think you and I, my readers and me, we ought to have a discussion about resiliency in real time.  How it works and what it looks like because “resiliency” is all the rage these days.  In the simplest terms, resiliency is defined as the capacity to recover from difficulties quickly.  As I lay out my circumstances, think about your life in the context of resiliency.  Maybe we can make some connections together.

I entered a graduate medical program in January 2017 after ending my 20-year marriage in 2015.  My marriage wasn’t always abusive, but it was never fulfilling either.  Due to alcoholism and domestic violence likely fueled by addiction and personality problems, I had to leave the marriage for my health and safety.  Healing from domestic abuse is probably one of the hardest endeavors I’ve ever undertaken.  It has, for me, been far more grueling a process than healing from human trafficking (which I experienced in 1991).  Allow me to explain.

Generally speaking, one expects to be treated in a sub-human manner by a human trafficker.  It isn’t like human traffickers are upheld as paragons of virtue.  They’re criminals who commit heinous crimes.  When you’re abducted for the purpose of sexual slavery, you figure out very quickly what’s ahead of you.  The only surprise is the degree to which you will be degraded and abused.  When you are trafficked, you are designated a slave.  Slaves are no longer perceived to be people with rights or even identities.  Slaves are chattel.  For the most part, you know what to expect when you lose all humanity, and you know what to expect from your slave owner.  Expect nothing and everything at the same time–it will all be far beyond the worst you could imagine anyway.  But, you never expect your life partner to treat you as you were when you were trafficked.

And this is key–domestic violence and abuse are dehumanizing because it is another sort of objectification.  The victim becomes an object of rage and violence  In my experience, this is the parallel–the objectification.  What made it harder to overcome was how it crept up on me.  I never expected to feel so utterly un-human as I did at the end of my marriage.  My mind could not accept what was happening to me in the midst of the violence, and I continued to believe that it wasn’t true in part because my abuser denied it and still denies it.  It was and is functional denial.

Even though you are called Wife and Partner you are treated as Other.  The descent into abuse feels like a surreality of your own making because the entire time he hurts you he tells you that it isn’t real.  It isn’t happening, and he never did that.  You feel as if you are going mad or perhaps you provoked him.  Maybe you wanted it.  Maybe you imagined it.  Maybe you deserved that which he said never happened.  Perhaps it was all your fault even though it never happened.  You question everything and believe nothing.  You begin to gaslight yourself in the context of his gaslighting.

Until you hear tendons snap.  And see your blood.  Until you have surgery.  Twice.

Physical healing comes far sooner than any emotional, psychological, or spiritual healing does, but I don’t like to put my life on hold because some part of me is lagging behind.  We must keep going.  Catch a vision.  Keep trying.  There will never be a convenient time to try something new or even build something.  Risk is never convenient.  So, I forged ahead with graduate school never expecting to be sexually harassed within three months of beginning my program.  The sexual harassment was consistent and prolonged, and I was eventually granted a restraining order by a county judge.  The entire affair was escalated to the Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights who, after an investigation into my college, found them guilty of discrimination based on sex.  All in all, the harassment and subsequent investigations lasted almost two years.  So, I dealt with one circumstance of sexual violence in the context of another.  Simultaneously.

One would think that I felt empowered, but I didn’t.  I felt victimized all over again.  Sure, I stood up for myself and other people.  The perpetrator is no longer with the school, and the school was found guilty of discrimination.  They are now going to experience two years of remediation and governmental oversight.  As discreet as I was during the entire process, I was alienated by other students in my cohort who knew about the situation;  and I was even shunned by people who had called me ‘friend’–simply because I advocated for myself and others.  I became something of a pariah.  It felt like blame.  Should I have just taken it? Should I have said nothing even though the man who was harassing me had harassed other women, too? That would have been wrong.  Alas, there are people who seem to think that we should just turn our heads and let people victimize others.  Don’t make waves.  Mind your own business.  I can’t do that.  To me, that’s immoral.  I am, however, very familiar with victim blaming.  Friends and family blamed me for the domestic abuse in my marriage, too.  It’s a common phenomenon.

I was actually feeling somewhat relieved after everything with my former college came to a close, but that changed when my ex-husband asked to meet with me a few days into my winter break.  He has been making unexpected demands that have violated prior agreements, and this has been my undoing.  It isn’t the demands that are the most stressful or triggering.  It is his undying belief that he is a victim of our divorce proceedings.  He believes that he is a “good guy” and that nothing wrong ever happened.  To him, he is the Do-Gooder.  The Innocent.  Consequently, when I meet with him, I interface with this persona who is utterly convinced of his personal awesomeness, and, all the while, I am sitting across from someone I once trusted implicitly who became my perpetrator.

So, what does all this have to do with my current lability and affect, and what does this have to do with you? I like to say that our resiliency falls on a spectrum.  Bring to mind an emergency room nurse or doctor.  How many times can a clinician declare someone dead after trying to save them and walk away unscathed? Ten times? Fifty times? At what point will it finally register on a deep level? When will it break you? When will an emergency responder finally see one too many horrific car accidents with fatalities? When will a social worker hear one too many horrible accounts of abuse? When will a guardian ad litem witness one too many child abuse cases? That moment of “one too many” is the moment that you’ve hit the end of your resiliency spectrum.  You’re done.  You’ve got nothing left.  You can’t cope anymore.  You can no longer resist the pull of the dark gravity of hopelessness and despair.  You are desolate.

Everyone has a resiliency spectrum (RS), and I suspect that each RS is uniquely our own developed over time and tailored to our life experiences.  What requires me to be resilient will be different from what requires you to be resilient simply because your experience of trauma will differ from mine.  The point is that we can develop resiliency with practice, but there also comes a breaking point.  Even the most flexible of trees eventually breaks or uproots when a hurricane blows through the forest.

What might be an appropriate thing to do when you feel like this?


I don’t know about you, but when I feel bent over, desolate, and overwhelmed, my mind is immediately overcome with thoughts that are shame-based.  I feel accused and afraid.  Suddenly, I feel inadequate and terribly alone, and my knee-jerk reaction to these feelings is to become excessively self-reliant and withdrawn.  I have a strange fear of being “discovered”.  All of this is rooted in my experiences with my family of origin.  My mother declared with great pride that she needed no one and could do everything by herself even though everything she did was motivated by a profound fear of abandonment.  Alas, to need anything or anyone–to her–was an abomination.  It was a weakness that she would punish with great severity if she spotted it, even in me.  It is ironic to me then that the first step to restoring your resiliency is to reach out and restore connection.


Connection through vulnerability eradicates shame.  Shame cannot exist in the presence of true connection and vulnerability, and we are able to begin to restore ourselves when we connect to other people who support, validate, and believe us.  For many of us who have experienced trauma, reaching out while feeling vulnerable inside ourselves feels like the hardest thing to do particularly if you experienced trauma within close relationships.  I suspect the reason for this is because you’ve experienced violations of trust from people with whom you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and your brain isn’t going to let your forget that.  I can attest to this experience.  After experiencing sexual violence in a marital context, I find it extraordinarily difficult to be vulnerable with anyone now.  I still try, but it is much harder.  There is a great confusion that wants to settle in.  Feelings of trust can become confused with feelings of suspicion.  After all, the people I once trusted are the people who hurt me the most.  It’s interesting, isn’t it? That statement alone can fuel self-imposed isolation and fear of intimacy and vulnerability, but, in reality, your brain is trying really hard to keep you safe.

So, what is to be done then? I’ve got three suggestions.

  •  Watch these two TED talks by Brené Brown.  If you’ve watched them before, then watch them again.
  •  Read this: The Road to Resilience
  •  Reach out to someone whom you trust and make a connection.  It is through connection that we begin to restore ourselves.  It is a first step.  And then keep reaching out to maintain that connection.  It might seem torturous or counter-intuitive, but it is the medicine that you need.  It is what will begin to heal you.

Together, we will keep going even when it feels like we can’t.




An Introduction to Personal Inertia and Taking Action

I can usually write a blog post in an hour or two but not this time.  For some reason I could not put this post together no matter how hard I tried.  I sat down in December to write a post on personal inertia.  We were on the cusp of 2019.  I was taking stock of 2018.  Did 2018 have a personal theme? What could be gleaned from the experiences of 2018 in order to make 2019 even better?  You know, I was being contemplative.

And then I was in a car accident.  My daughter and I were rear-ended quite hard so much so that the insurance company totaled out my car.  The car of the driver who hit us was towed from the scene.  I really started thinking about my own personal inertia at that point.

What is inertia?

There are two definitions for inertia: 1) indisposition to motion, exertion, or change (“I don’t like or fear change.”) and 2) a property of matter by which it remains at rest or in uniform motion in the same straight line unless acted upon by some external force.  Generally speaking, people tend to be inert.  We develop habits, and we stick to them.  It doesn’t matter if the habits are good or bad.  We like predictability (“I like my car and would like to keep it.”).  We don’t want to be confronted on how we do things, what we think, or how we interact with others.  If it’s always been done a certain way, then most people will continue in this customary fashion from the smallest habit to the grandest cultural traditions.  In terms of inertia, this is called uniform motion.  For the most part, we like to remain in a state of uniform motion and/or rest, and this is not necessarily bad.  Society needs structure and uniformity to function from the nuclear family all the way to level of government.

In terms of health, this is called homeostasis.  The human body requires a certain amount of sleep.  We require vital nutrients, daylight, human interaction, physical touch, exercise, and clean air and water in order to maintain homeostasis.  All of this is part of uniform motion.  When an outside force acts upon this homeostatic inertia, that usually means a stressor has occurred like a virus, toxin, physical injury, genetic mutation, car accident, or the like, and homeostasis has been disrupted.  We are no longer inert.

The same comparison can be made to the emotional self–the mind.  Emotional homeostasis in terms of wellness and looking after our mental health is a priority , and there are any number of factors that affect this from hormones, diet, and genetics to relationships, jobs, and family history–and, of course, trauma.  How we structure our lives in order to maintain our emotional and mental homeostasis is where inertia becomes a factor in either propelling us forward or sabotaging us.

Why is a discussion of inertia worth having? Well, from what I’ve experienced in life personal inertia is often the primary reason we do not take action to make changes that will actually better our lives and set us up for success in the future.  There is another name for personal inertia, and that name is fear.  Let me define this particular sort of fear:

Somewhere between our internal experiences of our lives and our external perceptions lies the reality of the consequences of whatever action was actually taken–the choices we made.  And, this is what I want to talk about because that nagging fear of living in that place–the land of consequences--is often what keeps us locked into our circumstances, thusly, preventing us from ever making the most necessary changes which ultimately gets us where we want to go.

Inertia and Fear of Negative Consequences

In my experience, there are two things that sabotage us when we are presented with the opportunity to take action.  We become anxious because we don’t know what will happen (but we’re quite sure that it will be bad), and this anxiety/cognitive distortion exacerbates our personal inertia, thusly, thwarting our innate resiliency and ability to change; and we can’t overcome our own inertia long enough to implement the desired and likely necessary changes in ways that count.

What does this look like in real life terms?

An example:

Jane is a talented, intelligent woman with two college degrees who has traveled extensively and lived abroad.  She runs a non-profit.  She is multi-lingual and has a large social and professional network,  She is kind, generous, and strives to make everyone around her feel comfortable and welcome in her presence.  She volunteers at her kids’ school and teaches Sunday school classes.  She is well-liked by her neighbors and her community at large, and she is beloved by her many friends.  She met Tom, her husband, in college.  Tom is a charismatic, extraverted man who aims to be the center of attention wherever he is.  He thrives on admiration.  He gave up his successful law practice to become a political consultant, and he excels at this occupation.  He is highly paid and enjoys advertising his wealth and status by driving expensive cars, wearing expensive brand name clothing, and paying for everything in cash.  He is loud, boisterous, and obsequious, but people seem to be drawn to him–particularly women.  He has strongly narcissistic tendencies and a mercurial temperament behind closed doors to the point of being verbally and emotionally abusive to Jane and their three children.  Male colleagues like him because he mirrors back to them their own positive perceptions of masculinity, and female colleagues like him because he is flirtatious but not excessively so giving them a sense of importance.  Tom had one extramarital affair within the first three years of their marriage.  They have been married for 18 years.  Both Jane and Tom are from conservative Christian families who do not support divorce believing that “God hates divorce”.  While Jane doesn’t believe that women should stay in abusive relationships, she will not label her relationship as abusive even though she is verbally/emotionally abused as well as pressured to stay married by both her family of origin and her in-laws in order to keep up appearances and “be obedient” to what the Bible teaches.  During the last two years, Jane is experiencing symptoms of an undiagnosed autoimmune disease and chronic fatigue symptoms.  She is also experiencing depression symptoms.  She argues with Tom daily.  Jane and Tom have verbally violent fights at least once a week in front of their children, and their oldest son is beginning to model some of Tom’s negative personality traits.  

Where is the inertia in Jane’s situation?

  1. Her belief system: She is highly influenced by the promotion of an idea that God hates divorce even though God does not.  This idea is pervasive within some Christian doctrine, however, and has kept many people in very bad situations. (Further reading: Does God Hate Divorce?)  To leave, she would have to overcome this belief herself and likely tolerate a great deal of judgment from her family which could lead to long-term conflict.  She would have to confront her family’s beliefs, her husband’s family’s beliefs,  and her friends’ beliefs that she is sinning against God by leaving as well as her larger Christian community who also believe that divorce is a sin.  The potential loss of support and community represent a huge inertial obstacle to overcome.  For many people, this alone is a giant hurdle that is too daunting to overcome without proper supports in place.
  2. The dynamics of her family system and structure: When a family member with abusive tendencies is admired and beloved within and without the family system, victims of their abuse are robbed of their voice and empowerment simply because no one believes that the abuser is capable of perpetrating acts of violence.  It is the “But s/he was so nice!” phenomenon.  This often leads to victim-blaming (“What did s/he do to cause such  a nice person to act that way?”) Also, there are families who view divorce to be stigmatizing and shameful and try to influence family members to stay married in order to prevent loss of social standing.  This might sound absurd but fear of social injury through shame and rejection is a legitimate fear.  Projecting that fear onto a victim of abuse, while inappropriate and wrong, is very common in family systems.
  3. Fear of the narcissist’s ego-driven response: When one defies a clinically narcissistic person causing a narcissistic injury, there is almost always a negative consequence.  Leaving and divorcing a narcissist can be very difficult to the point of feeling impossible.  Fear of retaliation often overrides the desire to leave.  One often feels that it is better to stay rather than attempt to face off with the talionic rage of the injured narcissist, and that is legitimate particularly if there was physical abuse or threats of a custody battle if there were children in the relationship.  (Further reading: Divorcing a Narcissist)
  4. Impoverished sense of self: Years of living in an abusive marriage and the larger family system impoverished Jane’s sense of identity.  When one’s sense of self is eroded through increased exposure to unresolved conflict, it becomes harder to define the self in terms of the positive.  Over time, the self becomes determined based upon the negative as an image is determined by its negative space rather than its true contents.  This can act as its own inertia as well as it changes one’s narrative.  Constant criticism, a consistent minimization of one’s emotional and intellectual repertoire, an increase in shame and hypervigilance, and mental distortions that skew perceptions of reality all come together to misrepresent the truth of circumstances as well as the whole self and its ultimate capabilities and future possibilities.  Once a narrative becomes edited by distortions, a person’s uniform motion, as it were, is derailed and almost thrust in a different direction.  The distortion of an impoverished sense of self resulting from abuse leading to this particular kind of inertia is hard to overcome.  Certainly not impossible.  Just painful.  And that isn’t a small thing.

How do we begin to overcome our own personal inertia and take action?


Put simply, we can begin to take meaningful and effective action in our lives when our desire for change is greater than our fear of change and the potential consequences that our actions could bring.  In terms of inertia, our desire becomes the outside force acting upon our uniform motion which changes our direction or propulsion.

Desire can be an unwanted emotional experience for some particularly if it’s strong because it seems that fear and desire go together in a sometimes awkward and toxic dance.  The stronger the desire the more powerful the fear, and it often depends on how desire manifests.  Desire can feel like ambition or intense focus on a goal.  It can feel like a consistent attraction to specific daydreams or fantasizing.  It can also feel like longing or yearning unearthing a profound sense that you are not living a life meant for you.  You may feel like something is missing drawing you into a sort of quest or search.  In its more helpful form, desire can be an ontological state that motivates an awakening which drives the self to deeper self-actualization–desire freed from fear.  Desire mingling with fear often manifests as envy, jealousy, toxic competitiveness, judgmentalism, and comparisons with others.  Desire can be highly disruptive to the self.

What is very interesting to note is that there is a neurochemical connection between desire and fear, and it is found in dopamine:

“The chemical dopamine induces both desire and dread, according to new animal research in the July 9 issue of The Journal of Neuroscience. Although dopamine is well known to motivate animals and people to seek positive rewards, the study indicates that it also can promote negative feelings like fear. The finding may help explain why dopamine dysfunction is implicated not only in drug addiction, which involves excessive desire, but in schizophrenia and some phobias, which involve excessive fear.” (Society for Neuroscience. “Brain Chemical Shown To Induce Both Desire And Dread.” ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 9 July 2008. )

How do we take this information and make it work for us? The things that we often fear are quite valid–the loss of community, fear of retaliation and violence, social injury and rejection, fear of God, loss of occupation, inability to survive, and loss of social standing.  This is about survival.  Staying “stuck” and in predictable circumstances–even if we hate them or they’re hurting us–may often seem like the best choice when faced with potential outcomes that we fear should we allow desire to influence us.  Our own neurochemistry can bolster this mindset.  Desire or dread.  What should influence us?

The question of influence, to me, is one of the most important issues we can consider.  When we are influenced more by a fear of potential negative outcomes our natural response will be an inertial one which is to maintain.  Stay put.  Stay the course.  Refuse change.  Do what you know even if what you know is making you miserable and sick or even making your loved ones miserable and sick.  It is an internal battle that must be fought.  Where there is desire, there will be fear particularly when the potential for change is present. In theory, this might sound all well and good, but what comes after desire?

I like this list:

  1. Needs–Your Propulsion System: “When our emotional needs are fulfilled by loving parents and a supportive environment, we have a propulsion system that initially pushes us along a positive trajectory.  In contrast, if our needs have not been adequately met in childhood, for example, if we grew up in an emotionally chaotic family, then our need for love and security becomes a propulsion system that drives us powerfully, but down the wrong path. We will need to let go of our unhealthy needs and reconnect with our healthy ones, so that we can finally power our life inertia with a propulsion system of our own choosing.” (Four Forces of Life Inertia, Jim Taylor PhD)
  2. Self-Esteem–The Pilot: “If you are driven to gain love, a feeling of security, and a sense of competence from other people because you need their approval to feel good about yourself, then others are controlling your life path. An essential part of piloting your spaceship will require that you learn how to trust in your inherent value and capabilities, so that you can be in control of your own self-esteem. This shift will relieve the immense and unrelenting pressure to gain self-esteem from others and put you on a trajectory to gain your own feelings of love, security, and competence, which is the only true way to feel good about yourself. With this genuine self-esteem, you will have the capabilities to take full command and pilot the spaceship that is your life.” (Four Forces of Life Inertia, Jim Taylor PhD_
  3. Ownership–The Guidance System: “If you have spent most of your life doing what others wanted you to do instead of asking yourself what you wanted to do, you may never have felt that you were responsible for your life. Ownership means that you are an independent being who has a cause-and-effect relationship with the world in which your actions matter, your actions have consequences. With ownership, you do have to accept responsibility for your mistakes and failures, but you also get to accept responsibility for your successes and achievements. Additionally, you now have the power to change your life. Once you accept ownership of your life, you will be able to direct your life trajectory with your vision of who you are, what you value, and where you want to go.” (Four Forces of Life Inertia, Jim Taylor PhD)
  4. Emotions–The Fuel: “Children who are raised in families where there is a lot of emotional turmoil will often develop internal lives that are dominated by negative emotions. If your life is controlled by negative emotions, it’s really hard for you to be happy. It’s as if you’re trying to run your spaceship on contaminated fuel.When parents who believe that “bad” emotions will hurt their children and try to prevent their kids from experiencing, for example, frustration, anger, or sadness, the children will end up emotionally undernourished, deprived of the chance to understand and gain mastery over the full range of what they are capable of feeling. That lack of emotional mastery results in an empty fuel tank, leaving your spaceship drifting through life without a means of propelling it, and vulnerable to outside forces that will dictate your life inertia.  When you gain mastery of your emotions — when you are capable of identifying, understanding, and expressing your emotions in a healthy way — you produce a fuel that pumps directly from your soul, burns reliably, and can power your life inertia efficiently in whatever direction you choose.” (Four Forces of Life Inertia, Jim Taylor PhD)

Why endeavor to engage in this? I’ll let Dr. Jim Taylor answer this:

“When we change our life inertia, we liberate ourselves from those forces that have, until now, propelled us in a direction we would not have chosen. With control of the spaceship that is our lives, we will have freedom from debilitating fear, doubt, anger, shame, and despair. It also means we will have the freedom to hope, feel, accept, engage, and strive. When you are in command of your spaceship you are on track to live a life that will bring you meaning, fulfillment, and well-being. And you can be sure that you will not have to experience the most frustrating of all emotions – regret. Once you have gained command of your life you will not have to ask, “I wonder what could have been?” (Four Forces of Life Inertia, Jim Taylor PhD)

May 2019 be a year of daring to desire and taking action.

Keep going.






Stopping the Holiday Madness

The Iceman hath indeed cometh to my neighborhood.  I woke up in the wee hours of the morning to the sound of snowplows clearing snow and scraping concrete.  I had grand plans to “get shit done” yesterday until my car got stuck in the alley in a mound of snow.  Well, three inches of snow that had somehow become a mound that my totally hip minivan couldn’t overcome.  I see now why all the locals drive SUVs.  Nothing seems to stop them.  Not snow, ice, flash floods.  Pedestrians.

Hanukkah begins tonight, and I have a To Do list that needs attention before that first candle is lit.  This weekend, however, feels a million times less stressful than last weekend.  You know, Thanksgiving weekend–the first Thanksgiving weekend my mother and stepfather have come to my house in years.

About 11 years ago I had an epiphany.  Our family holiday get-togethers had become so emotionally tumultuous and stressful that I wondered why we even bothered to celebrate them.  What was the point? I tried taking Xanax once just to get through Thanksgiving, and that was a mistake! I took one Xanax in the morning and fell asleep standing up while cooking.  Suddenly, I woke up on the kitchen floor an hour and half later with no memory of how I got there.

The thought occurred to me to just tell my mother, “No, you cannot come over on Thanksgiving.  Celebrate with your husband’s family,” but my mother has borderline personality disorder.  The last time I told her ‘no’ I was a small child.  She slapped me so hard across the face that I nearly sustained a whiplash injury.  Over the years, I’d seen people tell my mother ‘no’.  It never went well for them.  Violence always ensued in one way or another, but eleven years ago I was willing to take that risk.  Either give up celebrating altogether or tell my mother ‘no’.

So, I found some courage, and I told her that we wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving by ourselves in a way that was meaningful to us.  She had in-laws.  Celebrate with them (I wasn’t that blunt).  That was probably one of the reasons my mother stopped speaking to me.  For five years.

So, last weekend, my mother and stepfather drove in from out-of-state to join us for Thanksgiving, and I had a feeling that it would be a less than pleasurable evening.  Over the years, we’ve crafted a certain kind of holiday.  We eat in the evening.  We stay at the table.  We enjoy drinks and desserts.  And then the games come out.  Sometimes we’ve played until early into the next morning, but my mother doesn’t know how to have fun.  She doesn’t have great social skills, and part of that is due to how she was raised.  My mother has also spent far too much time alone as she has aged, and her ability to socialize has slipped.  As her daughter, I observed this, and, as a host, I kept this in mind.

By six o’clock in the evening on Thanksgiving, I knew it was just going to be about getting through the night.  It wasn’t fun.  It felt like playing a social game of Tetris.  People around the table were, at times, acting inappropriately, and I, as the host, had to somehow make the remarks and behaviors fit together to keep the evening flowing smoothly.  I was glad when it ended.  As I cleaned up, I distinctly remembered why I disliked holiday celebrations.

Why do we do it? I ask it honestly.  Why do we put ourselves through the meat grinder that is Holiday Celebrations with Friends and Family if we feel so drained afterwards?


Ah yes, tradition.  How many awful things have been tolerated in the name of Tradition? Sure, sure, we get to eat some great traditional food like Great Aunt Vera’s dessert bars and Auntie Esther’s bread, but then three of your cousins show up two hours late completely shit-faced and high, your sister-in-law starts talking politics during dinner and refuses to change the subject, your brother starts discussing religion and offends a co-worker you invited, your father is passive-aggressive and upsets your mother-in-law, and then a family argument ensues in the middle of dinner about that thing that happened that one time.  Just like last year.  And the year before that! It’s like a holiday template that must be followed every year, or it isn’t the holidays.

I’m not suggesting that my idea to un-invite my mother to Thanksgiving was the “right” thing to do, but it was a different thing to do.  I wondered what life during the holiday season might feel like if I said, “No one can come over until they stop acting badly.  You want to come over? Then deal with your issues. I’m not having bad holidays anymore.  Can we please start a new tradition?”  You know that you have a real problem on your hands when you start dreading December in June, and that was me.  I wanted to know what an honestly pleasant celebration free of drama, enabling codependency, crippling anxiety, and pandering to pathologically self-centered people felt like.

What does it feel like? It feels wonderful.   There are no more obligatory visits with family members who actually don’t approve of us and actively look down on us for not thinking like they do.  I can spend the month of December making positive plans rather than making plans to decompress from excessive stress.  I don’t have to come up with strategies to avoid my cousin’s husband who likes to secretly grope me when he hugs me, and I don’t have to think of ways to sidestep political and religious discussions that always end in fiery judgment and unkindness.

One key thing I learned from this Thanksgiving is that I don’t have the distress tolerance for “misbehaviors” when the circumstances are already stressful, and this I would suggest is likely true for many people.

This is the most important takeaway.  Somatic complaints are very common during the holidays for this very reason.  Our bodies cannot adequately process the overload of stress which comes in the form of a cortisol assault on your body.  Cortisol is a hormone produced by your adrenal glands.  When you are stressed, your body produces it.  One of the key things that cortisol does is suppress your immune system’s response.  Have you ever had a very stressful week at work or school like completing a big presentation or studying for exams? You’re doing fine and then once the project or exams are over, you suddenly get sick.  Or, if you get migraines, you are migraine-free during the stressful work week, but come Saturday, you’re down with a terrible migraine event.  Why is this?

The symptoms of illness like a runny nose, sore throat, body aches, or nausea are not caused by a virus.  Those are signs of inflammation which are caused by your immune system engaging in a response to fight off a pathogen.  In other words, that’s how you know that you caught a bug.  In the stressful days prior to your symptoms when you were neck-deep in exam prep (or Holiday Apocalypse Family Fun Time), you were already infected with a virus.  Your body’s stress-induced production of cortisol, however, was suppressing your immune system’s response to that pathogen.  So, you had no symptoms of the infection, but you had an infection.  You merely experienced the symptoms of the infection after your stress decreased along with your cortisol production.  The stress causes the spike in cortisol production, but it is likely the lifestyle changes that puts you at risk for viral infection like poor dietary habits and sleep deprivation.  We all eat more poorly and get less sleep during “crunch time”, and that is what invites viral infection.  We simply stop taking care of ourselves particularly when we feel like something is on the line like our jobs, grades, or our sense of self.  And the holidays certainly have a way of doing that to us.

Not managing our stress contributes to cortisol dysregulation which can result in a number of health problems and negatively impact your immune system.  Bottom line: take care of yourself and invest in your own level of happiness and well-being even if it proves to be very difficult.  Why? Because you’re worth it and you deserve a meaningful holiday experience–even if you have a family who disagrees with you.

With that, I bid you a meaningful and healthy December.






Life Is A Highway

Have you ever been in the middle of a particularly major life transition and wondered if you were doing the right thing? Or, perhaps you were quite certain that you were headed in the right direction; you, however, weren’t sure that some of the lesser but still impactful decisions you had to make were correctly decided.

That’s descriptive of me right now.  I’m in the middle of a huge life transition–I’m planning a move to the West Coast next summer.  Were it just me it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but I’ve got my daughters’ quality of life to consider.  We are all in the mix.  I’ve got to sell my house, put the finishing touches on moving to a different post-graduate program, find housing in the Bay Area (yeah, that’ll keep you up at night), minimize all my possessions, and…and…and…

It’s a colossal effort, and yet I know it will come together.  But…

There are those moments of quiet when I take in the magnitude of it all, and I ask, “Am I doing the right thing for everyone?” It’s not often, but it’s not an unimportant question.  When there are children depending upon us to care for them and build a foundation under them, we need to ask such a question.  As a Jew, I pose that question to God as I and my ancestors have come to understand him both personally and corporately.  And, I sincerely expect an answer although answers don’t always come on my preferred timeline.

The late Brennan Manning once told a story of a Jewish Bubbe out with her grandson at the shore.  She was delighting in watching him play with his new shovel and bucket until a large wave unexpectedly washed ashore and swept his toys out to sea soaking her young grandchild in salty water.  Running to her grandson as he sat crying on the sand, Bubbe called out, “Bring back my grandson’s shovel and bucket! It makes him so happy to play with them, and, if it makes him happy, then I am happy!” A few moments passed, and suddenly a wave spit out her grandson’s bucket and shovel right at their feet.  Smiling and clapping, her grandson resumed playing as if nothing had ever happened.  Bubbe, however, frowned and said, “He had a hat!”

Some would say that Bubbe is ungrateful.  Look at the miraculous quality of what just happened! The sea returned the shovel and bucket! So what that his hat wasn’t returned to him.  I say that Bubbe is expectant, and this boldness and sense of anticipation in believing God, as she understands him, is what informs how she interacts with him.

So, what does this have to do with my moving out West? Well, I think that regardless of one’s understanding of who God might be–even in terms of agnosticism, interacting with God (or if you want to call the Divine “the Universe”) can be a highly rewarding and reassuring process.  It can remove a sense of ontological loneliness that plagues so many of us and guide us through incredibly difficult circumstances.  In my case, on the day I decided that we were going to move West, I asked for a reassurance that it was the right decision–something I rarely do, but it was such a big, life-altering decision.  I wanted the strongest sense that it was right.  So, I drove my car along a stretch of highway pondering what a “good reassurance” might be.  Something that I could look back on when circumstances got rough and remind myself, “Oh, you’re on the right track.  Remember? You saw that sign.”

Suddenly, I had it! I love bald eagles, and we have a few of them in my neck of the woods.  I decided that I wanted to see a bald eagle in a tree right by the road as I was driving–something I never see.  It didn’t have to be that day.  Just…soon.  I’ll confess that I felt silly.  Asking for a sign.  P’shaw! as my grandfather would say. As soon as I asked God to give me a sign, I almost took it back.  I don’t do things like that.  But then, in the middle of my embarrassed rumination, I saw it.  I slowed down my car to take it in.  A beautiful bald eagle perched majestically on a branch overhanging the highway’s shoulder at 7 AM.  I was shocked.  “Did that just happen?” I thought.  It did indeed.

My mind has returned to that moment during times of high stress and anxiety, and it has caused to me to wonder what signs really are.  What is a sign?

Quite literally, these are signs.

When we drive, we see signs all the time, or at least we should see them if we are paying attention.  We’ve probably all encountered people who don’t pay attention to the road signs.  Those are the people driving the opposite direction on a one-way street or doing a U-ey when they should not.  How about those folks who run stop signs for lack of paying attention, thusly, causing an accident? Signs serve a very good purpose.  They let you know where you are, what you should do, how fast you should drive, where to go, and where not to go.  The most important thing to note about signs is that one has to see them in order for them to be effective.

Well, if Tom Cochrane’s song is correct and life is a highway, then it stands to reason that we need signs, too.  We need to know when we are on the right road.  We need to know where the next rest area is.  We need to know where we should not turn and where we should.  What does a Do Not Enter sign look like in terms of our own lives? What does a Be Alert For Bears sign or an Avalanche Warning sign look like metaphorically speaking? More important, what does a Dead End sign look like? How do you know when you can’t go any further?

For me, this is why I asked for a sign.  I needed to know that the road I had just turned onto was the right one since the journey was going to be so long and, frankly, fraught with hurdles.

So, how does one recognize a sign?

  • Many signs directing us are dismissed as coincidences, but the longer I’m alive the more I’ve come to believe that there are few coincidences in life.
  • Stay present to your circumstances and surroundings.  Pay attention to the interactions you have with people.  Just as in driving, when we fail to see crucial signage we often miss exits we intended to take, get stuck in traffic, or get lost.  This is analogous to our lives and our journeys.
  • Learn to trust your intuition and insights.  For example, a few weeks ago I was at a crossroads.  I needed to decide if I was going to continue taking classes next trimester in my medical program.  I have the support of everyone around me to discontinue at my current school and continue at the program in the Bay Area, but I still feel anxious about it.  I woke up last week wondering if I should just enroll in classes next trimester even though I don’t really want to do it.  Then, the mail came.  The Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights (OCR) found my college guilty of discrimination based on sex–a violation of Title IX.  I read through all the provided documentation and the OCR’s mandated corrective actions which will cost the school thousands of dollars into six figures.  I knew then that I could not enroll again.  My original decision not to continue my medical education with this college was the right one.  The documentation and guilty verdict were a sign or sign post, if you will, that I was on the right road.
  • Don’t feel afraid to ask for a sign.  Why? Well, traveling outside of the spaces in which you feel safe requires taking risks, and humans don’t like uncertainty.  We like to know where we are going and what to expect.  While it’s not possible to know the outcomes of everything, it is possible to get into the driver’s seat of your own life and gain a sense of personal empowerment.  There is paradox in here.  The people who do their best to avoid risks are generally the ones who are bound by anxiety.  There is a strong link between risk aversion and anxiety and depression.  Leading a narrow life never lessens the anxiety.  It just forces one to become an emotional and physical shut-in preventing one from experiencing the happiness and fulfillment so desperately desired.
  • Cultivate trust in yourself: “How do we leap and trust that it will all be okay? By cultivating a practice of self-trust, which connects us to the well of our deepest knowing where the answers to the unanswerable questions live. And these aren’t answers so much signposts or hints at the paths we want to walk, the decisions we want to make, the risks we’re willing to take. Because death exists life cannot be anything other than risk. Because loss exists relationships are the ultimate risk to our hearts and how can we do anything other than forgive our ego – that part of us that desperately attempts to safeguard against pain – for trying to protect us in the only way it knows how? 

    But risk we must if we’re to live a full life (like our cat). People who take risks are happier because they live their lives more fully, without fear at the helm of their ship charting the course (which means they venture out to open seas). They not only jump out of airplanes and off mountaintops – as my son is itching to do – but they dive into the murky waters of the greatest emotional risk of all: relationships of all kinds. They risk their hearts (which do not heal as easily as a broken bone). And they do so from a platform of self-trust, which is the launching pad for all of life’s decisions, big and small.” (Risk Aversion and Anxiety)


Further Reading:

What Happy People Do Differently

One of life’s sharpest paradoxes is that the key to satisfaction is doing things that feel risky, uncomfortable, and occasionally bad.

Becoming an Agent of Goodness

I am seldom on Facebook, but, as I was up bright and early this morning, I indulged my urge and took a peek.  This is what I found:

The person who posted this captioned this sentiment with, “because I know I have God’s love, approval and appreciation, I no longer need it from others.”

My knee-jerk reaction was, “What the fu…”  Was I more shocked by the original “prayer” or with my Facebook friend’s additional commentary? And, why did these words strike a nerve in me?

I must turn back the clock to 2014, when I wrote my most highly viewed blog post “Affective Deprivation Disorder and Alexithymia in Marriage”.  In that post, I described the emotional experiences of my former marriage:

“If I could remove all emotional desire from myself, then I would be able to do this (stay married).  I actually asked God to make me like Spock.  That has to be one of the weirder prayers to ascend.  Like some warped psalm:

“Oh God, make me like Spock.  Purge me of emotion.  Oh my soul, shut the hell up so that only my brain will speak and my heart will sleep a thousand years.”

Oddly these two entreaties, if you will, have a similar tone.  I longed to be purged while Byron Katie desires to be absolved as elucidated by the use of the word “spare” which means “to be released, acquitted, exculpated, or pardoned”.  The end result would be the same–a kind of subjective idealism that could take a person all the way to solipsism.  What does that mean? Allow me to explain.

Firstly, it should be stated that nothing that Byron Katie teaches is new or ground-breaking.  She is combining the Narrative Approach in psychology with certain Buddhist principles to craft a teaching that has been used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), EMDR, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for years.  Her Four Questions are well-stated.  She has made solid therapeutic guidance highly accessible to many people.  With Oprah’s stamp of approval, people who have perhaps disregarded therapy as ineffective or stigmatizing will now have a chance to experience what solid therapy is all about.  That being said, her Four Questions are straight out of CBT and Narrative Psychology.

So, what of this philosophy of subjective idealism? Simply stating it, subjective idealism states that your reality and how you perceive it is contingent upon how you experience it; Reality is contingent upon The Knower–to be is to be perceived.  The extreme form of subjective idealism is solipsism which states that “I alone exist”.  British Idealist F.H. Bradley explained solipsism as such:

“I cannot transcend experience, and experience must be my experience. From this it follows that nothing beyond my self exists; for what is experience is its [the self’s] states.” (online source)

Bradley’s explanation almost defines 21st century human interaction.  You stay in your experiential bubble.  I’ll stay in mine.  Nothing beyond my experience exists.  Nothing beyond your experience–if that is valid–exists or is germane to mine.  We are but ships passing in the ether in anonymous, quick interactions either on social media, in consumeristic interactions online or at retail outlets be they malls, indy stores, or cafés big and small.  Disconnection.

This brings me to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:


Directly above our two most basic needs in terms of our humanity–Physiological and Safety–lies Love and Belonging.  Putting it as simply as possible, one of the reasons why people require therapeutic interventions and outside help for prolonged periods of their lives is because they have to figure out how to acquire and develop Esteem and Self-Actualization without Love and Belonging.  Or worse, if a person experienced hardships and traumas in which their Physiological and Safety needs were threatened or unmet, then certainly their needs for Love and Belonging would go unmet as well. In that case then, how would one go about developing Esteem and Self-Actualization in a coherent way? How do we build bridges over deficiencies in order to continue maturing until we can increase our capacities for those needs to be met? Is it possible for everyone?

What Katie and my friend are suggesting is that we simply obliterate the need and desire.  We resort to emotional subjective idealism–particularly my friend.  If God is meeting my desire for love, approval, and appreciation, then I no longer need it from humans.  Well, that contradicts the teaching of Jesus and the rest of the New Testament, and I only say this because my friend is a Christian.  So much of the New Testament and the Gospel are concerned with relationships and community and how people are to treat one another.  Why then post something that essentially advocates extricating oneself from reciprocal relational experiences and responsibilities, thusly, retreating into a self-created pseudo-solipsistic model?

This I know all about.  To counteract pain and grief.

Human beings are social creatures.  We are mammals after all.  There is a scene in the film “The Horse Whisperer” in which Robert Redford’s character, Tom, stands in a field for hours near a traumatized stallion, Pilgrim.  Pilgrim, appearing fatigued from standing in the same spot for such a long stretch, finally approaches Tom reluctantly. Tom gently leads him back to the stables.  When asked why the skittish horse allowed Tom to touch him, he answered that horses were social creatures and would eventually have a need to join their herd; or, a herd of some kind.

Humans are no different, but we have very clever ways to convince ourselves otherwise.  We build bridges inside ourselves over the empty and dark crevasses of unmet needs that have morphed into unnamed pain and call it Stoicism, Enlightenment, or Individualism.  We will say that we are absolving ourselves of our needs or desires for love, approval, and appreciation, and it sure does sound like something…worthy.  In my mind, however, it is a form of bargaining in order to avoid grieving that which has been lost or never experienced, and I say this because I used to believe these things, too.

The problem herein is that absolving yourself of your desires to be loved, approved of, and appreciated also pardons you from giving these things, and this is, in a more profound sense, what is causing people to pray for this sort of absolution to begin with.  The world we have today is in no way more evil, chaotic, corrupt, or violent than it was 100 years ago–or 1,000 years ago.  History seems to always repeat itself, and humans still struggle to learn from the past.  What the world continues to lack is goodness in the forms of love, approval, appreciation, generosity, courtesy, and neighborly concern.

What might our cultures look like if more people were appreciated, loved, and approved of? How would you feel day-to-day if you felt truly appreciated by your friends, children, co-workers, and partner? If you felt approved of–truly liked–by the people in your life? Well-developed and self-actualized people do not require other people’s permission to make their life choices or hard decisions, but it is much easier to achieve self-actualization if you have a foundation of Love and Belonging beneath you rather than a foundation of grief for never having had it.

The healthy and ultimately most healing “prayer” that I think one could offer up instead of the aforementioned is:

God, help me grieve the times and experiences in my life wherein I did not receive the love, approval, and appreciation that were meant to develop me for Esteem and Self-Actualization. Introduce me to healthy people who know how to love, approve of, and appreciate me and others properly so that I may become a fully-developed, healthy person who can not only fully internalize and experience the spectrum of loving experiences but also go on to love, approve of, and appreciate others in order to become an agent of Goodness in the world. Amen.



Gaslight Nation

I have made a point to keep my blog free of all political discussion purposefully because I don’t run a political blog.  21st c. political discourse tends to be characterized by fear mongering, polarizing and pedantic language, a lack of civility, ad hominem attacks and other logical fallacies, and a ferocious but presently normalized invective that was not culturally familiar or acceptable twenty or even ten years ago.  I am most likely the millionth person to observe that something has shifted in the last five years in the United States in terms of what Americans accept as ‘normal’ behavior from our local, state, and national leaders.  Where we were once scandalized by a sitting president engaging in oral sex with an intern in the Oval Office, we now condone (in the form of electing him to office) a father’s brazen admissions of sexual attraction towards his daughter as well as permit a known sexual harasser and batterer to occupy the highest office of power in our country.  This is where the culture wars, political partisanship, ideology substituting itself for good politics, and excessive corporate campaign contributions led us.

They led us to the great disaster of Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee Friday, September 28.  The nation was on pins and needles because this was not just another hearing.  Something about this hearing felt nauseatingly familiar to many men and women tuned into C-Span, and I’m not talking about politics.  Something else was afoot.

Judge Kavanaugh was nominated by Mr. Trump in July 2018 to replace Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy.  While I’m very interested in the political reasons for Mr. Trump’s choice not the least of which is Kavanaugh’s view that a sitting president cannot be indicted, I am far more inclined to examine Sen. Lindsey Graham’s (R-SC) outburst during the hearing in which he explodes in anger towards the Democrats questioning Kavanaugh:

“What you want to do is destroy this guy’s life, hold this seat open, and hope you win in 2020.”

The Republican from South Carolina then turned his attention back to Kavanaugh and asked: “Are you a gang rapist?” Kavanaugh replied: “No.”

The Republican senator also asked Kavanaugh, “Would you say you’ve been through hell?” Kavanaugh responded, “I’ve been through hell and then some.”
Graham expressed sympathy for the Supreme Court nominee and his family, saying, “I cannot imagine what you and your family have gone through.” He added, “I hope the American people can see through this sham…”
Earlier in the day, Graham compared the judge’s treatment to Ford’s experience, the woman who came forward to accuse him of sexual assault.
“I’m not going to reward people for playing a political game, I think, with her life,” Graham said. “She is just as much a victim of this as I think Brett Kavanaugh (is). Because somebody betrayed her trust, and we know who she gave the letter to.” (CNN)

Certainly, this outburst has a political context, but there is a wide stream of that something else flowing through this dialogue; and it should not to be missed.  I want to break it down, but before I do I want to note that Sen. Graham spoke with Chris Wallace on “FOX News Sunday” prior to the hearing.  Here’s what he said:

What am I supposed to do, go ahead and ruin this guy’s life based on an accusation? I’m just being honest. Unless there’s something more, no, I’m not going to ruin Judge Kavanaugh’s life over this. But she should come forward. She should have her say. She will be respectfully treated…I will listen, but I’m not going to play a game here and tell you this will wipe out his entire life,” Graham noted. “‘Cause if nothing changes, it won’t with me.” (CNN)

There it is again–that idea that Kavanaugh’s life will be ruined somehow were Dr. Blasey Ford’s allegations found to be credible, and Graham is…what? The harbinger of Kavanaugh’s downfall should he hold him to account with rigorous questioning or further investigation?  As CNN’s Editor-at-Large says, “If the very people who hold in their hands — and votes — the power to make or break Kavanaugh’s nomination are admitting publicly that almost nothing Ford says will change their mind(s), isn’t that the sort of rank partisanship that has gotten us into this morass in the first place?”  Logically speaking, if Kavanaugh sexually assaulted a young woman in high school, then isn’t he the cause of his own ruin? Of course, a young man can hardly conceive that one day he might be a Supreme Court Justice nominee, but that is neither here nor there.  Young men shouldn’t be drunkenly sexually assaulting young women and expecting to win a gold medal in ‘Character and Ethics’ a few decades later when past bad acts come to light.  The Senate Judiciary Committee’s job is to sniff this sort of thing out and make certain that Supreme Court Justice nominees are fit for the role: beyond reproach.  Sen. Graham and the entire committee lost sight of that role in the midst of their pursuit of power:

“A judge must be a person with strong character. A judge who has strong character has the ability to apply broad, general law to a narrow, specific set of facts without abusing the court’s authority, letting his or her personal views get in the way, or overlooking important facts and law…a judge should be a visionary. The judiciary is responsible for making sure our laws serve justice and uphold the Constitution. When our laws fail to do so, a judge should search for a way, within the confines of the law, to right a wrong and see that justice is done, even in the face of a disapproving majority.  Finally, a judge should be a patriotic American. By this, I mean that a judge must be concerned for the country and the people the law serves more than his or her personal agenda or self-interest.  Justices must have intellectual integrity. Supreme Court justices ordinarily are accountable only to their own consciences. Justices must be able to build consensus. The court’s opinions only have force when a majority agrees; fractured decisions leave people struggling to understand what the law means.” (What Makes a Great Supreme Court Justice?)

Alas, Sen. Graham indicates that holding Kavanaugh to account is akin to ruining his life, but this is not something that jibes with Graham’s past actions or his ambitions.

“Graham, who was first elected to Congress in 1994, came to national attention in 1998. He was a member of the House Judiciary Committee during the impeachment of former President Bill Clinton. Graham then served as a “manager” of Clinton’s Senate impeachment trial.

The irony of his demonstration is that Graham, who wants to chair the Judiciary Committee someday, sought to use a sex scandal to take out a president at that time. Now, two decades later, Graham is defending a Republican Supreme Court nominee from accusations of sexual misconduct.” (Politico)

Moving on, the first question that Graham asks of Kavanaugh is whether he is a gang rapist.  That would be a legitimate question if Judge Kavanaugh were accused of gang rape, but Dr. Blasey Ford never alleged that Brett Kavanaugh gang raped her.  She never declared, “Brett Kavanaugh is a gang rapist.”  So, why ask such an absurd question? Well, this question is a logical fallacy called argumentum ad absurdum in which someone appeals to the extremes in an attempt to disprove something.  Notice that Sen. Graham did not ask Kavanaugh whether he had engaged in forced sexual touching with Dr. Blasey Ford.  That would have been a legitimate question.  No, Graham comes up with some absurd caricature that offends the imagination, triggers victims of rape, and strikes skeptics as ridiculous: “Judge Kavanaugh as high school gang rapist?” P’shaw! No, he’s not a gang rapist!  Well, if that’s not right, then the whole allegation must be false; and therein lies the deception and utter brilliance of argumentum ad absurdum.  Brett Kavanaugh, however, can be innocent of gang rape and still be guilty of sexually assaulting Dr. Blasey Ford.  It was, well, an absurd question.

Sen. Graham’s next question makes Brett Kavanaugh look pitiable, and it is a brilliant juxtaposition considering the public just watched a prosecutor take Christine Blasey Ford apart for four hours under high pressure questioning in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee.  Who looks like a victim now? The victim of sexual assault or the alleged perpetrator? It was a clever redirect.

Sen. Graham then goes on to offer sympathy for Kavanaugh’s “suffering” going so far as to call the hearing “a sham”.  He then takes it further by comparing Kavanaugh’s present circumstances–being heavily scrutinized, questioned, and potentially investigated–to Dr. Blasey’s high school sexual assault at Kavanaugh’s own hands.  Yet this is the purpose of a hearing! A Supreme Court Justice nominee is supposed to be heavily scrutinized and questioned.  If I, as a citizen, am supposed to abide by the laws this man interprets, then I want to know that he isn’t guilty of breaking any himself particularly in the realm of sexual violence.

So, what is all this then? What is the “something else” that we are witnessing aside from obvious partisan politics and sniping? This is gaslighting.  Perceptual manipulation and minimizing in the public forum.

Why is it gaslighting? This is where I have to speak politically for a moment.  This hearing was indeed a sham largely because the GOP is trying very hard to confirm Kavanaugh before the midterm elections.  I understand their zeal and impatience.  They have an agenda, and they want to see it through.  This hearing was a formality for the conservatives.  Sen. Graham’s irate posturing and belligerent bloviating accusing the DFL of a sham was manipulative.  The entire hearing was a sham from the beginning.  The GOP did not seem interested in the true quality of the contents of Judge Kavanaugh’s character or past actions that might reveal his deeper nature.  If they were, then Sen. Graham would have been open-minded and quietly considered every word Dr. Blasey Ford spoke last Thursday during her four hours before him and his colleagues.  The Senate Judiciary Committee would have called for an FBI Investigation right away and postponed all proceedings.  Some things just matter more than a political agenda.

Had this been the DFL pushing through a favored nominee with little opposition due to lack of votes, then it would have likely played the same way.  Their hearing would have been a formality, too.  Each party has its own idea of who should occupy this most coveted seat on The Bench.  That being said, what is more important? The next two to six years of the GOP political agenda, or the next forty to fifty years of judiciary competence, ethics, and rigor? I know that POTUS has openly boasted about: grabbing women by the p*ssy (2015 “Access Hollywood” Interview), treating women like sh*t (New York Magazine), calling women who breastfeed disgusting, and going so far as to find 12 year-old girls attractive among so many other offensive and misogynistic misdeeds (Telegraph), but Mr. Trump’s anomalous, abnormal, and likely personality-driven behavior should never be normalized because it is not, in fact, normal or something to be modeled.  In fact, America’s elected officials should raise the bar–or, sadly, return the bar to its previous height–and demand excellence from each other in conduct, behavior, speech, personal and professional ethics, and character regardless of their party affiliation.

The issue at hand should not be: “There wasn’t a problem with Kavanaugh until you pointed it out; therefore, you must be the problem, ____________.” (insert Dr. Blasey Ford, another accuser, or DFL) . In my mind, the most pressing issue is the possibility that a Supreme Court Justice nominee may very well have sexually assaulted at least one woman, and the majority of the GOP does not seem to care about that.  This reeks of cronyism, elitism, and that old institution that must crumble: The Boys’ Club (well, you know, generally for privileged white boys and men).

For many people, this “something else” feels so familiar because it is familiar.  For survivors of sexual violence, we’ve seen our perpetrators defended while being blamed ourselves because we “looked” like we wanted it.  Our perpetrator didn’t understand; we should feel sorry for him/her.  S/he sure is going through hell now being held accountable.  Besides, they have such a bright future.  Why make a big deal out of a misunderstanding? (That’s minimizing or trivializing, and that’s a form of gaslighting)

Perhaps we were told that we didn’t remember it like it happened (This is called countering, and this is a form of gaslighting).  The following ever-popular accusation is often made and was made by Trump himself: “If it really happened, then why didn’t you come forward?” You need only look at the four-hour ordeal Dr. Blasey Ford has been subjected to not to mention everything else she is currently enduring to understand why men and women don’t come forward after sexual violence.  I was raped when I was 22 years-old on a date, and I never told anyone.  My refusal to disclose doesn’t mean a rape never happened.  It only means that I didn’t talk about it.  Period.

Gaslighting is pervasive, and one can encounter it in myriad environments both professional and personal–and political it seems.  Be savvy.  Pay attention.  When you begin to feel crazy, like you’re the only sane one around, start really listening to what is being said to you or around you.  Educate yourself on perceptual manipulation aka gaslighting.  Learn about logical fallacies.  Logical fallacies are commonly used in political arguments and rhetoric.  The culture of our political system can change.  It changes when we vote and get involved.

So, get out and vote in the people who line up with your values and ethics, and vote out the people who do not.  Also, pay attention to how your current political favorites behave when they are politicking.  Do they rely on gaslighting and logical fallacies to push their points and agendas? Do they often align themselves with those who do? Carefully consider that.  It matters.  A lot.

Further Reading:

Nine Things I’ve Learned

I used to write a lot about trauma and the nature of it largely because I was in the middle of dealing with it.  For me, I would try to get outside of my own traumas and inspect them as if I were looking at a car I might buy.

“Where do I begin?”

That works for a while–the distancing.  It restores to you a sense of control, and for people who have been traumatized feeling in control is meaningful.  It brings a sense of empowerment, and that makes a huge difference when you’re doing “trauma work”.  But, what about those things called “triggers”? What happens then? Honestly, it feels a bit like this:


Eventually, however, we have to take a meaningful look at what traumatized us.  That is what many of my trauma-related posts are about–trying to live a meaningful life while also stuck in the “glass box of emotion”.

But, what about life after the trauma work? What do I mean by that? Well, I can tell you what I did during the trauma work.  I shut my life down because I had no energy to power it.  Metaphorically, I had a small generator, and that only kept necessary systems online.  I withdrew from almost everything that involved socializing because I did not have the emotional energy to interface with other people.  I was too sensitive at that time to deal with the normal flaws and foibles that characterize the human race.  I could barely reach out to my friends.  I was just trying to stay afloat.  We are talking about surviving here.  Getting out of a serious domestic abuse situation is not easy.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I lost friends in the process.  There are people who will not understand, not believe you, or who who will shame you for taking the actions you did.  It all contributes to a very rocky healing process and extenuates the grieving.  Alas, after the initial shock, the therapy, the fallow period in which you feel utterly broken, and the slow ascent out of the pit of despair and pain, you can and do emerge.  You will be “remodeled”.  You aren’t the same, but you are still you.  So, what now? Three years after my ex-husband moved out, what have I learned?

  1. If you commit to a process of therapy, you will heal faster.  I was in therapy for two years.  It contributed to the healing process for me post-divorce in ways I couldn’t have accomplished on my own.  I am a die-hard believer in therapy although you need the right therapist.  A bad therapist will create more obstacles, but you will leave his/her office with interesting stories.
  2. There will be moments when you will feel discouraged about your life, and that’s normal.  When you are living in an abusive environment, almost all your energy is spent trying to adapt to it.  You are focusing entirely on your abuser or negative circumstances in order to anticipate what s/he will do next or what will happen.  If you have children, you will also be trying to protect them.  Your health and emotions matter little.  If you sustained physical injury as well, you may try to brush it off as quickly as possible while pretending it never happened.  That was my M.O.  When the perpetrator of abuse is no longer present and the circumstances change, the first thing you feel is a wonderful sense of relief and joy.  I was elated.  My therapist warned me that the years of trauma that I had packed away in my body and psyche would come forward as soon as I felt safe.  I said, “Nah…no way.”  I was so wrong.  I spent over a year processing that pain, and it was extraordinary.  Basically, I was ugly crying in my bedroom every night wishing I would just die.  Eventually, that stopped, but it won’t stop until you finish the process.  So, commit to it with all you’ve got.  Then, move forward feeling much lighter.
  3. You might be afraid to meet new people, or you might feel the opposite–stoked to get out there and meet everyone.  Initially, I felt so raw that I struggled to socialize.  I was also blamed by more than a few people for being abused with very typical victim-blaming statements (ex. “I can’t believe a person as smart as you would let something like that happen.”).  I simply didn’t feel like trying to make new connections.  I also didn’t want new people meeting me in the context of such a transition.  I felt defective somehow, and I think that feeling is normal considering how often people imply it however wrong they are.  This does fade as you heal, but it is okay to stay in the relative safety of your safe space until you’re ready to get out there again as long as it doesn’t become a prolonged exercise in avoidance.  Then, you’ll have new things to discuss in your therapist’s Hot Seat.
  4. There comes a point when you come alive again.  At some point in your healing process, you reignite.  I do not know if any singular factor acts as a catalyst, but I do know that an energy returns that wasn’t there prior.  For me, it was when I went back to school.  That was an external manifestation of a shift in my beliefs.  I reached a point where I believed that I could start over.  I wanted to build a life that mattered, and I wanted my daughters to see what a woman was capable of–what it looked like to get up again.  I found my worth again and believed that what I wanted mattered.  I started to acquire hope.  This is a very good sign.  Go with it and see where it takes you.
  5. You will love and be loved again.  This was something that only resided in the realm of fantasy for me–even when I was married.  I felt so overlooked and worthless during the last years of my marriage.  Everything revolved around what my ex-husband would and would not do.  I deleted so many parts of my emotional and intellectual repertoire to stay that I hardly knew who I was anymore when the marriage ended.  I couldn’t answer basic questions like, “What is your favorite kind of music?” or “If you could go on a vacation, then where would it be?” We could only listen to his preferred music, and we never talked about vacations.  I never had an iota of privacy, and he mocked almost everything that I liked.  So, I lost myself.  Meeting someone new was a glorious surprise, and I’m still surprised by it daily.  I did not think that it was possible for me.  I know that it is common to say, “If it is possible for me, then it’s possible for you.”  It is true though.  It is possible for you.
  6. Let yourself be happier than you believe you deserve.  This is still very hard for me, but I try. I, therefore, anticipate that it may feel difficult for you at times. There have been moments in the past three years when I have felt a limitless sort of happiness.  When I feel it, I want to dampen it because fear is on its heels.  I have never experienced sustained goodness in my life.  Ever.  This is often the case for people from abusive or dysfunctional families and/or circumstances.  When you begin to believe that your environment is safe or you begin to trust those around you, circumstances and people often turn against you.  You can’t relax.  You can’t trust.  You can’t believe.  You can’t rest.  You must always be on edge, read the people in your midst so that you know how to react, and be ready to fight or flee.  Happiness or joy can never become something you truly want.  Surviving is the goal.  This is the reality of a trauma survivor, but it need not be your reality for the rest of your life.  So, I suggest allowing yourself to feel happiness and/or joy when it comes and then allow it to stay within you longer than you are comfortable with it.  The anxious thoughts will no doubt partner with your happiness–“What if _______ happens?”, “What if _________ dies?”, “What if _________ turns out to be just like _________ and hurts me?” There are myriad distorted anxieties that the brain throws at you when you begin to relax into happiness.  That’s okay.  Allow yourself to feel happier than you believe you deserve to be in little bits.  Eventually, you can sustain it for longer periods of time, and that state of being will normalize itself.
  7. Getting triggered isn’t as bad as it used to be.  I experienced a triggering event yesterday, and it came out of nowhere as triggering events often do.  Initially, I didn’t even know why I was upset.  I thought I was overly sensitive and felt foolish.  When I finally came to the reason, I felt oddly grateful and somewhat annoyed.  I realized that I still had emotional work to do around some of the emotional abuse in my former marriage, and, admittedly, I’m tired of the subject.  But, the recovery was relatively fast, and I could see it more objectively than I once did.  I didn’t get sucked in and stay triggered for hours upon hours.  This is progress! Triggering events are still painful, but they are now more representative of data points.  I can use them to gain traction now rather than sink to the bottom of the emotional Laurentian Abyss.  It does get better and easier, and you come to see yourself not as a victim of something but simply as yourself.  That change in self-definition is a huge turning point.
  8. You will eventually become more interested in your future than your past.  This can be a hard thing to grasp, but it’s akin to a paradigm shift.  When you endure a lot of therapy, you are naturally past/present oriented because you spend all your time sleuthing for past problems and traumas that affected you in the present.  This is useful to a point.  Eventually, we must begin to see our lives as present/future oriented, and that can be extremely difficult for people who have endured trauma largely due to the little talked about symptom of PTSD called a foreshortened future.  What is a sense of a foreshortened future? Essentially, it means that you cannot plan for yourself because you cannot imagine your own future.  You simply can’t see it.  Some therapists define it as a person believing that their life will be cut short and define the symptom as an avoidance symptom in PTSD.  I think that they’re wrong.  I rely on neuroscience for this one.  The brain relies on our past experiences and narratives to construct future narratives and make plans for us.  An extreme example of this is an amnesiac patient.  Patients with amnesia cannot make plans for their future.  Why? They have no memories of past experiences so their brains cannot tap into past experiences to project possible narrative outcomes when planning for the future.  So, people with traumatic experiences and PTSD have narrative experiences characterized by traumatic experiences.  If all a person has done in their lives is adapt to trauma, then all of their time and energy is spent focusing on and adapting to someone else (a perpetrator) or to traumatic circumstances (poverty, war, highly dysfunctional or abusive circumstances).  Never have they learned to plan.  They have only learned to adapt on the fly usually around someone else’s behaviors or circumstances.  Planning is a skill.  Learning to “dream” about a future where good things can and do happen to and for you is also a skill particularly if you have never once experienced that.  It must be learned in a safe place where one can be taught how, and where once can learn to practice it.  The future doesn’t exist yet.  We help to create it, but this idea is elusive at best when you perceive the past to have ruined your present.  You must embrace the idea that your future is yours even if you can’t feel it or see it yet.  It is yours as surely as your past is behind you.  This one takes time, but it is possible to learn this skill.
  9. You will recover your resiliency.  This is a big deal.  We are all resilient creatures.  Humans can survive almost anything, but we can also reach breaking points.  The point here is that you can come back from that.  There are days when it will feel like you won’t or can’t.  Don’t believe everything you think or feel.  That is folly.  Getting up again after setbacks, no matter how bad, is what resiliency is all about.  Developing grit and shifting your self-definition from one of a victim to a person who can and will get up again is where the rubber meets the road.  Changing how you view yourself in relation to the people who hurt you matters the most right here.  For me, my personal statement has been: “I will not let people of that quality take the best out of me.  I will get up again.”  Remembering this has given me the fuel I have needed to keep going when I have felt truly overwhelmed.  At some point, you will turn around and look back taking in how far you’ve traveled.  You will see that you did indeed get up again and walk miles.  No one said that the healing process was easy or felt good.  I will tell you that it hurts profoundly, but it does not hurt forever.  There comes a point when you something shifts.  You will begin to feel more peaceful than you feel anxious.  You will discover joy and feel that more often than you feel fear.  Fear and anxiety can become habitual states of being.  They are familiar, and we know how to feel like that.  Joy and peace? Not so much.  Those must be cultivated and invested in.  And…fought for.  The culture we live in does not value joy, peace, civility, and kindness.  If you want that in your life, you have to cultivate it, fight for it, and stand guard over it.

At this point on the road, this is where I’m at.  I’m sure in a year I’ll be somewhere else, but it is reassuring to know that we don’t have to stay where we are now.  We can get up and move.  As always, I wish you all great peace and…

Keep going.




Playing Scrabble with Life

Happy September, everyone! I am ending a three-week break from school. The girls and I headed West to San Francisco for 12 days of doing whatever we wanted which pretty much meant drinking too much boba, hitting up stores that are not in the Midwest like Muji and Uniqlo, and eating bibimbap whenever possible.  It was glorious.

Alas, all escapes involve the inevitable return, but, if it’s a successful vacation, then I suppose one feels recharged and ready to return to reality  The girls felt ready to come back.  There is a lot to do in our home city.  School is starting, and I have a house to empty out.  We have to downsize in a big way in preparation for moving next summer.  It’s daunting not to mention I have to return to my grad school program, and, as much as I’d love to forget it, the OCR investigation is still on-going for my college’s Title IX violation.  And, the guy who harassed me is returning to the program.  I shouldn’t bump into him; nonetheless, he’ll be there.  I’m ready to depart.  I’m weary of being in that school, but I’ll do what I must for an additional two trimesters.  I think the modern term for this is “adulting”.

With my attitude adjusted, I went to a lovely wedding two nights ago.  A civil ceremony and dinner hosted by the bride and groom and their family.  It was utterly delightful.  I seldom meet such charming and warm people.  Being present for their wedding was a privilege and pleasure.  A metaphorical fly, however, was in the soup.  One of the guests was a student in my program, and I was a bit on edge upon seeing him there.  After the sexual harassment at my college started in February 2017, I kept my personality and appearance guarded.  I stopped wearing make-up.  I wore hats and hoodies, jeans, and Converse.  I tried to be as invisible as possible thinking that my harasser would find me less attractive or even completely unappealing.  It didn’t work.  The lesson in that is that when you’re being harassed, the problem isn’t with you.  The problem lies with the perpetrator regardless of how often you’re blamed.  It’s never about how you look or what you’re wearing.

Admittedly, I feel that I have a bigger personality, and I really tried to keep myself “small” at school.  I don’t know if any of you will relate to this, but have you ever been criticized or judged for being successful or good at something? This is, of course, due to the insecurities of those judging you, but it makes little difference in the moment.  When people blame you for something, I think that’s it’s normal to feel at fault somehow.  When I was an adolescent, my mother would often accuse me of thinking that I was superior to others because I found intellectual pursuits appealing; more than that, I excelled in the academy largely because I worked really hard and had little to no social life.  I hid from the world in school.  It wasn’t at all balanced, and it led to serious burn-out.  I don’t recommend it.

My mother did not go to college, and I suspect that she felt somehow lacking and out of place for this.  I never said so, and I have never believed this.  She, however, projected her beliefs onto me and then harshly attacked me as if I held that view.  It became almost memetic in our exchanges.  If I did well in school or university, then I by default thought I was superior to everyone in the entire world.  To bypass these judgments, I had to pretend that I was not doing well in school.  I could not discuss scholarships or opportunities I was receiving.  I couldn’t tell my family when my university endorsed me for the Rhodes Scholarship or the Fulbright Fellowship, and my mother refused to acknowledge that I had graduated from university with highest honors.  To her, I just thought I was better than everyone which is completely untrue.

My father, on the other hand, would just slap me across the face.  For real.  If I said anything that bothered him in the slightest, he would slap me! Me and my big personality often said things that bothered him.  You can imagine how often I was slapped.

Bear with me, this relates to the wedding…

So, I decided to go to the wedding as myself.  I dressed up, wore lipstick and fancy shoes, and did my hair.  To hell with it all, I thought.  It’s a wedding! Back to that fly in the soup–the student from my school, Brandon.  Brandon is young.  He’s very boyish in his demeanor and affect, and it’s, therefore, surprising that he’s almost ready to graduate.  He has appeared friendly enough in past interactions, but, at times, he is haughty.  A quality I chalked up to his age and a lack of life experiences.  Humility often comes through having negative life experiences and then having the time to develop insight around them.  That requires time which is often reflected in one’s age but certainly not always (Lord, I sound old right now).

On the night in question, I sat with a lovely group of seasoned Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioners and listened to them tell “war stories”.  I’m a student! I have nothing to contribute to this conversation in terms of experience, but I asked questions.  They were happy to include me.  Brandon, who chose to sit across from me at the dinner and text, had already asked me one question, “So, what do you do? I know that you’re a…mom?” I mention this because were I a male student would he have asked, “So, what do you do? I know that you’re a…dad?” Likely not.  There are three stay-at-home dads in my program, and I’ve never heard anyone speak to these outstanding men in a pedantic or condescending tone.  To the women with children, however, who have stayed at home to care for their children, Brandon’s somewhat condescending question has been the norm.  The context for our future exchange had been established.

As the conversation developed, the practitioners and I began discussing travel and past education, and I could enter into this discussion. I have traveled and lived abroad.  The discussion was wonderful, and the rabbit trails were quite fascinating.  Brandon looked to be disengaged or pouting.  We all discussed foreign languages and past teachers.  Suddenly, the subject of harvesting berries emerged of which the time was nigh.  One of the doctors had a crop that was due for harvest, and the medicinal qualities of the berry were discussed at length.  Brandon perked up eager to join in as he could finally discuss something “scientific”.  When I looked at him and commented, “Oh yes, you can look at the studies online about this,” he turned his head, looked me in the eyes and said meanly cutting me off, “I want to listen to the conversation right now.”  He then turned his shoulder to me, leaned in towards everyone, and ebulliently asked questions, laughing in an overly exaggerated manner.

It was a verbal slap in the face, and it stung.  Oddly, no one present seemed to hear what he had said which made sense because it was solely meant for me.  He did not want me participating in the conversation.  I sipped my water and gathered my wits.  I contained myself.  I was not going to say anything to him because this was not my social affair.  I wasn’t going to ruin a beautiful evening because of an apparently insecure, immature boy’s misbehavior.  I went home that night feeling very bothered.  I could see his face in my mind’s eye and hear his voice, and I determined that his inappropriate behavior bothered me so profoundly because he did what both my parents had done to me for years.  He felt left out socially for whatever reason so he chose to socially wound me in order to rejuvenate his injured ego.  He already displayed sexism and mild misogyny in his prior question.  Attempting to silence me in our evening’s discussion of medicine was apparently the only way he could feel legitimate again.

That’s so wrong and, unfortunately, so common in terms of how humans interact.  It exemplifies poor interpersonal skills, poor ego development, poor impulse control, personal and professional envy, insecurity, mild narcissism, and emotional arrested development.  It explains a lot in terms of why people are struggling to make meaningful interpersonal connections and overcome loneliness which is rampant today.  As my boyfriend said after I told him what happened, he’s fortunate he behaved like that towards me.  I’m kind.  What if he had done that to someone with a harsher nature? It would have ended much differently.  What if someone invited him to settle his complaint outside?

So, what’s the point here? I guess my point is that you never know who you will be seated next to on an airplane or at a dinner party.  Life will deal you some strange hands on any given day, and we have to find a way to play the hand we’ve been dealt.  I like to think of it like Scrabble.  Sometimes you get the best combination of letters and impress the heck out of everyone with your chosen word and earn a triple word score.  Other times you get three x’s, and the rest are q’s and z’s.  What…the…hell.  The only way to do anything with that is to build a word off of what’s already been laid down on the board.

We have to dedicate time in our lives to laying some good letters down–building some really complex words–so that when we get a shitty draw of letters we can still play something worthwhile.  What does that look like? Don’t be like Brandon.  Address your insecurities.  Address your envy.  Dig deep and address your past wounds.  Look at the injuries that your parents and family members inflicted upon you.  Do authentic recovery work from past relationships.  Seek out the resources around you that can help you heal from them.  Address your addictions whatever they may be.  We will spend our lives doing this, of course, because all of this is process-oriented work.  It is not destination-based work.  There is no point of arrival in terms of an ending.  If you are breathing, then you are processing something.  You are always drawing tiles to play.  The point of engaging in a process is that you start to draw better tiles.  What Brandon did was attempt to steal tiles from me in order to shut me out of the “game” so to speak.  That’s what socially injuring someone does–it steals social capital from them so that they can’t participate in a fair and often deserved way.  This includes gossip, slander, humiliation, shame, and even discussing true things about them that are bad.  As we engage with intention in daily life and process, what we lay down on The Board gets better because our tiles improve, and, when we do draw some bad ones, we can still play what we draw because we have some quality words on The Board already.  We’ve been building a solid foundation in both how we live our lives and within our character and personalities.

It’s not that hard to do actually when you start small.  Just pick one area where you know you’ve been drawing bad tiles.  Where you feel you can’t win no matter what you do.  Dedicate some time in that singular area.  Whatever it is.  Start with 5 minutes a day.  Just 5 minutes.  See where it takes you.  That might sound naive of me, but it’s not.  Everything has a beginning, and every beginning starts small.  So, start small and stay small until you feel you can make it bigger.  Just be consistent.  That is the key.  Five minutes.  Every day.  That’s it.

With that, I wish you all a wonderful September.  If you have kids going back to school or if you are going back to school, best of luck!

Shalom and keep going…




Could You Give Most of It Away?

I just started reading Goodbye, Things: The New Japanese Minimalism by Fumio Sasaki.



Maria Kondo struck a nerve in America with her runaway hit The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.  I, however, need to do more than just tidy up.  I need to purge.  Do you know what I mean?

I’ve lived in my house for 19 years.  That’s a long time to live in a singular space, and, while I make it a point to donate gently used items quarterly (or we would have nowhere to hang our hats), it’s nowhere near enough.  I have four daughters.  Children seem to amass large quantities of things.  People give them things.  They collect things.  They want to keep them forever.  I understand that.  I feel sentimental about certain things.  Children, however, seem to feel sentimental about almost everything–even that used napkin from last Tuesday when their friend came over and used it to wipe dirt off the floor.  It’s actually a testament to their wonder, I think, and capacity to be 100% present.

And if you have a basement?! God have mercy on you.

Another round of donating is not what I’m about to embark on.  In ten months, I am moving house.  Three years ago, I announced on this blog that my marriage was ending after years of back-and-forthing and writing about domestic violence and emotional abuse and, “Is it really that bad?” A year-and-half ago, I went back to graduate school, and next summer three of my daughters and I are headed West–to the Bay Area.  To live in a very small space no doubt.  It’s the beginning of another new adventure.

So, I have to examine every single thing I own and decide: Do I need this or not? And, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that.  That’s why I picked up Sasaki’s book.  I figured, hey, there must be some good advice in here.  At a minimum, maybe I’ll feel inspired or  mentored.  Sasaki, thusly, defines minimalism as:

“Minimalism is a lifestyle in which you reduce your possessions to the absolute minimum you need. Living as a minimalist with the bare essentials has not only provided superficial benefits like the pleasure of a tidy room or the simple ease of cleaning, it has also led to a more fundamental shift. It’s given me a chance to think about what it really means to be happy.” (pp. 20-25).

Here is an example of a minimalist bedroom:

I actually like the clean lines and flow, but it feels sterile–like a room in a high-end treatment facility.

A minimalist kitchen:

This looks more attainable than some of the other online examples.

A minimalist bathroom:

I see this and think, “Where is the trash bin?! Does an immortal live here?”

A minimalist living room:

This has that lovely aesthetic appeal that one sees in catalogs, but it also looks remarkably un-comfortable.  

I have noticed that all of these images are super posh, and, in my opinion, this should be more accessible.  What does a middle-of-the-road minimalistic apartment or house look like? You know, where ordinary people reside.  Of note, this is not a movement aimed at people living in poverty.  First-world countries are heavily affected by consumerism and capitalistic expenditures, and the USA tops that list with China and Japan featuring second and third.  Americans are awash in stuff:

The USA features the highest levels of per household disposable income and expenditure. High income levels boost the capacity for discretionary spending of US households, although the country’s income gap remains large and continues to rise. (Euromonitor International)

I wonder what sort of impact those of us with too much stuff would have on our communities if we donated the items we truly don’t need and seldom if ever used and stopped using our income to acquire more goods, thusly, changing how we “consume”? Furthermore, what sort of impact would this have on our time–an invaluable resource? I imagine that owning less means having more time, too, because we have to dedicate time to caring for our stuff.  How might we spend our resources if we moved in a minimalistic direction with intention? Over the next 10 months, I intend to find this out.  I can tell you right now what my two biggest problems are going to be–whittling down the book collection, my kitchen implements because I am a cook, and tea accoutrements.  I have an unusually large number of really beautiful teacups most of which were gifted to me, and I can’t take them all with me.

Perhaps I ought to do a giveaway! One teacup a week…

Anyone like teacups? English teacups? And then there are the Yixing teapots

Oy vey…

God have mercy indeed (I’m actually sort of excited to see how this experiment turns out).

“I’m doing it for a good reason, I’m doing it for a good reason, I’m doing it for a really good reason…”


Further Reading: