Logical Fallacies

Posted on November 12, 2013 by MJ

I was at my therapist yesterday for another session. We did not do EMDR. Instead we spoke more about the protective emotions. Just like on Sesame Street, the word of the day was DISGUST. What does disgust look like in the world to me? Well, as soon as my therapist said the word an image was in my mind to match it. It was clear and present. There was no getting away from it. It wasn’t neutral. It was simply there. My therapist asked if I saw anything. “Yes. I see my mother having a threesome.”

I never knew that I had applied a descriptive term to that memory, but I had. I felt disgusted by what I had seen all those years ago. It was brief. She was drunk. She had forgotten to close the door. I was no older than 9 years-old. I saw it. I then went into my bedroom and closed the door. That’s all I remember. As soon as that image passed another memory replaced it. I was helping my mother change the sheets on her bed. Her boyfriend had spent the weekend with her. They had spent their time having sex and stained the sheets with their fluids. My mother commented on the stains with some flippant remark. I felt sick and disgusted to be helping her. I didn’t want to know about my mother’s sex life. She then went on to ask me if I masturbated. I was in college. I recall not wanting to participate in this conversation. I pretended not to understand her questions. She went even further and discussed her boyfriend’s penis size and sexual preferences. I was very disgusted at this point and made a hasty exist.

My therapist asked all the pertinent questions: Did I believe in any way that I deserved that treatment? No. Was I convinced in my heart that I did not deserve it? Yes. Did I truly understand that my mother was out of line? Yes. What fascinated me more was that I have unknowingly transferred some of my disgust to dimensions of my own sexuality and sexuality in general. In those moments, I viewed my mother as an object of disgust, and I vowed that I would never be like her.

disgust=my mother=sex ergo disgust=sex

It’s a logical fallacy, but humans aren’t necessarily rational. We see this sort of logical fallacy all the time particularly in conservative, religious circles and in political ideology.

For example, some movies are violent. Some movies have sexual content. Therefore, all movies are sexual and violent. How many people have I met who don’t watch movies in general because they are “bad”?

Premarital sex is sinful. Premarital sex is still sex. Therefore, sex is sinful. This is a big one. Combine this fallacy with this one: Eve was a temptress. Eve was a woman. Women are temptresses. It’s the logical fallacy of applying the quality of one to the whole. Primates are mammals. Primates have opposable thumbs. All mammals have opposable thumbs.

This line of thinking is easy to see in politics with statements like, “All Republicans are bigots.” and “All Democrats are gay.” It comes from a person’s experience of their world. Perhaps they had an unpleasant experience with a few people. “The few Democrats I’ve met have been aggressive with their political ideology. They have also been gay. All Democrats must be like this.” Obviously, this is a ridiculous leap of logic, but how often do we engage in this line of thinking? I grew up in Texas. A high school friend once declared to me that all gay people should be caught and put on an island, and that island should be bombed with a nuclear warhead. I was shocked. I asked her why she held that opinion. Her response? “All Republicans think this way.” She, too, had applied a logical fallacy to her own premise. “If I am this way, then everyone I identify with must be the same.” It was very difficult for me, at the time, not to respond by thinking, “Are all conservatives hateful bigots?” We are all guilty of applying this premise at one time or another.

What does a logical fallacy have to do with therapy? Well, we make connections oftentimes without knowing it, and those associations don’t often serve us. Those associations often look a lot like a logical fallacy. Let me give you some examples.

A girl is abused by her family. She ends up dating a guy who abuses her, too. She doesn’t leave the relationship. Why? “My family hated me. My boyfriend hated me. I must be a hateful thing. I must deserve what I’m getting.”
A boy watches his alcoholic father beat his mother repeatedly. The boy tries to defend his mother but fails. His father eventually kills his mother. The boy develops clinical depression and a personality disorder. “I wasn’t capable of defending my own mother. I am good for nothing. I am worthless.”
A girl is date-raped. She had too much to drink and was taken advantage of. She also wore a short skirt. “I made him think I wanted it. I was drunk and wore a short skirt. I looked like a slut, therefore, I am a slut. If you go out looking like a whore you’ll be treated like one.”
A woman is neglected by her husband. He is emotionally unavailable. He works a lot. When he’s home, he ignores her. She has tried everything to get his attention, but he’s just not interested in her. She is very lonely and profoundly sad. Her father also ignored her as a child and abandoned his family, leaving for another woman. “My own father didn’t love me enough to stay. What makes me think my husband will pay attention to me? I’m sure it’s my fault. I’m sure it’s me. I’m just defective. I’m sure I deserve it.”

None of the aforementioned statements are true, but how often do we think along these lines? How often do we blame ourselves or agree with self-hatred when we’re faced with painful life events? How often do we make illogical leaps in our thinking? People abuse others because they have a problem, not because the victim deserves it. It is not up to a child to defend a parent from another adult in the grips of an alcoholic rage. It is the adult’s job to protect the child. Anything less than that is parentification. No one deserves to be raped. There is no place in this world for slut-shaming. A woman could be naked and walking down the street, and that is not an invitation for rape. Lastly, no one deserves abuse or neglect. Ever. And yet, the logical fallacies stalk us. They seem to make sense to us.

How do we find these untruths in our lives and overturn them?

One of the signs that you’re living with these sorts of fallacies is what I call Two Sets of Rules. Generally speaking, if other people are allowed to live a certain way or are allowed to a better level of treatment than you, then you are probably living with a fallacy. For example, if you believe that your friends are allowed to be happy and fulfilled with the exception of yourself, then you are believing a lie somewhere in your life. If you believe that your friends should pursue excellence in their jobs never tolerating second best with the exception of yourself, then you are adhering to a logical fallacy. Why are others allowed good things in life, but you are not? This means that there are Two Sets of Rules being applied; one set for you and another set for others. This is not an integrous way to live. We are to treat others the way we want to be treated. If our friends and family get to be happy, then so do we. We are not in any way special or different in that way. You will see this kind of thinking present when depression is at work. Others are allowed to be happy, but the depressive is not.

Due to The Two Sets of Rules, there is often confusion and feelings of helplessness present when people believe their own logical fallacies. They fear doing something wrong so they do nothing instead. It’s a kind of paralysis. This is extremely common in Christian circles. The overly religious nature of some Christian denominations teaches that God is angry and judgmental, always focusing on our sin so people are terrified of risk-taking. When they do attempt to take a risk and then fail, they automatically blame themselves asserting this premise: “God hates sin. I am a sinner. God hates me.” In their eyes, their failure was equal to sin. God hates sin, therefore, God hates them. What does God do to sinners? “God hates sin. Sin is wicked. God punishes the wicked. I am sinful and wicked. God will punish me.” They interpret their failure not as a natural consequence and an opportunity to learn but as punishment from an angry and punitive God. They deserved it. This view will either be internalized or externalized and applied as judgment to other people as well. And the vicious cycle continues. It is almost entirely fear-based.

The human brain is many things; instinctively rational it is not. It takes time and training to truly see how and why we think the way that we do. I had no idea that I was viewing certain sexual issues through the “disgust” filter. Even if I did figure that out on my own, would I have understood so quickly the logical leaps my brain had taken to put that filter in place? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s vital that we spend time paying attention to how we think, the assertions that we are making, and the images that flash before our eyes when words are spoken. Most of us won’t relish paying attention to those fleeting emotions. We’ve turned denial into an art form, but it’s so important that we come alive again in those areas that have grown cold.

This is how we make new and better connections. This is how we begin to learn what is true, and that is what we want, isn’t it? We want to know the truth because the truth does indeed set us free.

Christian Gnosticism

Posted on November 7, 2013 by MJ

2 Comments

Before I can discuss DBT, therapy, or even making any sort of forward progress in a healing environment, I feel it’s very important to stop and discuss something that can get in the way of our ability to recovery–Gnosticism. What is Gnosticism?

“Gnosticism (from gnostikos, “learned”, from Ancient Greek: γνῶσις gnōsis, knowledge) is an ancient religion that holds that the material world created by the demiurge should be shunned and the spiritual world should be embraced. Gnostic ideas influenced many ancient religions^[1] which teach that gnosis (variously interpreted as knowledge, enlightenment, salvation, emancipation or‘oneness with God’) may be reached by practicing philanthropy to the point of personal poverty, sexual abstinence (as far as possible for hearers, completely for initiates) and diligently searching for wisdom by helping others.^[2] However, practices varied among those who were Gnostic.

In Gnosticism, the world of the demiurge is represented by the lower world which is associated with matter, flesh, time and more particularly an imperfect, ephemeral world. The world of God is represented by the upper world, and is associated with the soul and perfection. The world of God is eternal and not part of the physical. It is impalpable, and time doesn’t exist there. To rise to God, the Gnostic must reach the “knowledge” which mixes philosophy, metaphysics, curiosity, culture, knowledge, and the secrets of history and the universe.” (online source)

How has Christianity defined Gnosticism? Within the contexts of Gnostic teaching arose Docetism. Docetism is broadly defined as “the belief that Jesus only seemed to be human, and that his physical body was a phantasm.” (online source) In other words, a dualism, which promoted a clear separation between the material and spiritual world, was founded upon Greek philosophy (Gnosticism) that taught that matter was evil and the Spirit was good. The Gnostics supposedly had knowledge of God that was exclusive. They considered themselves superior to the average Christian. The Gnostics prior to Christianity taught that man is composed of body, soul, and spirit. The body and the soul are man’s earthly existence and were considered evil. Enclosed in man’s soul is the spirit, a divine substance of man. This “spirit” was asleep, ignorant, and needed to be awakened. It could only be liberated by this special knowledge that would be called by the modern term “illumination”. This teaching is also found in Kabbalah. (online source)

What does Gnosticism and Docetism have to to do with us? Everything. The sacred/secular dichotomy that possesses the modern Church today comes directly from Neo-Platonic Hellenistic philosophy and Gnosticism. What does this look like?

I. Lifestyle judgments

Because Gnosticism and, hence, Docetism have permeated the modern Church so fully there is a common view today that to grow in personal holiness one must stay on the correct side of the sacred/secular dichotomy. According to Gnostic teaching, the spiritual or sacred realm is what is valued and, therefore, to please God one must dedicate one’s time to serving in this arena. Spending time in the physical or secular realm is of less value because, according to Gnostic teaching, the secular realm is of little value. If we consider Docetism, the secular or physical realm is even evil and should be shunned altogether. This is where the view that being a missionary or a church leader is more pleasing to God than being a teacher, an interior designer, or a construction worker. Cooking dinner for your family or your boyfriend is okay, but cooking dinner for your congregation for a Lenten supper is far superior and valuable in God’s eyes because you are able to cultivate holiness. One activity or job is viewed as secular. One is viewed as sacred. This is the source of questions like: Do you listen to secular music? Do you watch R-rated movies? Do you attend secular events like the Renaissance Festival? People are judging lifestyle choices through a sacred/secular filter that is entirely based in Gnosticism. They believe that this is biblical, but it is far from it. Jesus was a carpenter. How could He have been the embodiment of the living God and yet a blue-collar worker at the same time?

II. Shunning Sinners

Many well-meaning Christians believe that it is pleasing to God to shun “sinners” and solely befriend other Christians because it is more spiritual to do so simply because their personal holiness is determined by their proximity to “sinners”. Once again, we see the sacred/secular dichotomy at work here except that it is the act of judging people to determine who fits the bill. Who can we judge as more spiritual and worthy of being called “holy”, and who can we judge as secular, thus, diminishing our own personal holiness? We need to look at Jesus here. He did not shun “sinners”. He was known for spending a great deal of time with tax collectors, prostitutes, alcoholics, and the like. Clearly, his personal holiness was not in any way diminished by the company he kept. (online source)

III. Fear of and Withdrawal from Society

When people believe that something is inherently inferior and even possibly evil, the natural response to it will be fear and disdain. The next response will be to want to avoid it. Fear of the modern world is not, however, a biblical view. Withdrawing from society is certainly not an option for Christians. We need what society has to offer us, and society needs us. We are supposed to be representing the most powerful Being in the universe. We are the bearers of His image and favor. Actually, since we are supposed to be in a dynamic, personal relationship with this loving, merciful, compassionate, omnipotent Being, I would think that Christians would be the most cheerful people on the planet! There’s a reason Jesus attracted so many hopeless and downtrodden people. Can you imagine what He must have been like? When a person asks a Christian what Jesus is like, our response should be: “Like me. Only a thousand times better.” That’s our standard. We ought to radiate positivity, kindness, love, empathy, strength, fortitude, humility, and clear thinking. Judgment, negativity, wrath, rage, anger, frustration, cynicism, and despair have no place in us; but if we are caught up in Gnostic thought, then it’s very hard to give up feeling double-minded about ourselves and God.

This Hellenistic philosophy has been with the Church since New Testament times. “Writers of the New Testament (the apostles) condemned the Gnostic teachings. There are numerous epistles that address this ancient heresy that is now having a revival. Paul emphasized a wisdom and knowledge that comes from God and does not concern itself with idle speculations, angelic visitations, fables, and an amoral lifestyle (Col. 2:8-23; 1 Tim. 1:4; 2 Tim. 2:16-19; Titus 1:10-16). Paul addresses the Gnostic influences in portions of Colossians as a direct threat to Christ being our salvation and His being sufficient in all things. To overcome the indulgences of the flesh (the “Colossian Heresy” ) the Gnostics taught a false philosophy, which denied the all-sufficiency and pre-eminence of Jesus Christ (Col. 2:8). When he wrote that “in him dwells All the fullness of the deity bodily” it was a rebuttal against the Gnostics.” (online source)

How does this relate to DBT, therapy, and recovery? For many people, Christian and non-Christian alike, there is a fear of dealing with mental health issues. For agnostics and atheists, this fear may be due to the prevalent social stigma that is still attached to mental health issues. I was watching “Law and Order:SVU” just last night, and a character with Bipolar Disorder was called “crazy”. He needed treatment in the form of inpatient admission at a hospital for medication adjustment, and the characters on the show described his situation as being sent to “the nut house”. This language is judgmental and stigmatizing, and it’s everywhere. For people who suffer with diagnosed mental health issues, it’s alienating, hurtful, and degrading. Believe it or not, it’s all based in Gnostic belief.

How?

When there is a belief that the spirit is superior and the body is inferior and potentially evil, what do you suppose people will believe about others with mental illness? Translating this to post-modern terms after the Enlightenment brought forth rationalism and, thus, intellectualism, how do you think people will view those who cannot think clearly when the mind and intellectual acuity are viewed as superior? There is a stigma. Those with any kind of mental instability or illness no matter how temporary are almost always alienated and judged. The underlying judgment within intellectual circles tends to be less harsh if the suffering person can still produce intellectual property. Consider John Nash. How many mentally ill individuals are producing magnificent work in the academy but are being labeled “eccentric” instead simply because they produce?

Within Christian circles, however, the trend is to believe that one’s spiritual holiness is compromised if one’s physical body is ill particularly if there is mental illness present. When there is mental illness present, there is often a paralyzing fear to seek professional help. Why? Social stigma aside, seeking professional help means that one is now in close proximity with the secular world, thus, compromising one’s personal holiness. Oftentimes, Christians will go to Christian counselors many of whom can be good but not properly trained for deep trauma and psychiatric problems that require pharmaceutical supports–even if it’s triage care. This belief in the sinfulness or evil in seeking “secular” care can be so far-reaching that people will go to ridiculous lengths to avoid it. I was once told that I was sinning against God for having a surgery that would prevent me from hemorrhaging. I was told to pray and fast, and if God wanted to save my life, then He would. It was sinful for me to seek the help of doctors. That is Gnosticism in action. That is NOT, NOT, NOT biblical.

What does Gnosticism look like today?

“You’re having a bad day? Crying all the time? Can’t get out of bed? Aaaw, well, you just need to worship more.”
“What do you mean your son’s pediatrician thinks he has Autism. I think that maybe we should all just pray more for him. He doesn’t need Early Intervention.”
“Don’t go to a psychiatrist. They’re all quacks. You don’t need medications! Just eat more fish. Oh, and I just read a great Christian book on things we can do to be more pleasing to God. You know, I really think that depression is about not being faithful. Come to our Bible study, and we’ll pray for you. I’ve read studies on antidepressants. Don’t they make you want to kill yourself?”
“We are all going to pray for your daughter’s schizophrenia. God will heal her, and she’ll never need any medication again! I really think she got schizophrenia because you just don’t have enough faith. I think you need to try to believe more.”
“We don’t believe in doctors. If God wanted us to be healed, then He would heal us.”
“Your mania is just a product of not taking your thoughts captive to Christ. You have not been reading your Bible. Take every thought captive, and you will be freed of your mania.”
“Sex is an inferior form of worship. It is only intended for procreation. We need to ignore the impulses of the flesh. The body is only our shell, and our spirit is what we must focus on. Sex is sinful and it comes from a sin nature.”
“To be holy is to be set apart. You cannot please God unless you are holy. How do you want to be found upon the return of the Christ? In a movie theatre watching films belonging to our modern-day Babylon? Bowling and playing games next to sinners? Drinking and having sex? At your job, working to earn money that really belongs to the world system marked by The Beast? Or here, in church, with other holy people? Be holy and please God.”

I don’t know if it’s possible to eradicate from society the stigma attached to mental health issues completely, but who do you think should be at the helm of this movement? Who should be proclaiming the opposite message of Gnosticism? Humans are holistic creatures. Our minds, souls, spirits, and bodies are interconnected. There is nothing evil about one part of us. If that were the case, then Jesus would have had no reason to resurrect. Why raise Lazarus from the dead? Why heal anyone? Why would God even go to the trouble of making a physical world at all if the entirety of the physical universe is evil? Why redeem it through the work of Jesus if the cosmos and all of humanity is inferior? In Genesis 1:31, it is written, “Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day.” The Hebrew word “כֹּל” is used to designate “all”, and it means “everything” as in every single thing, through and through, in a progressive sense, as in the act of continual creation over time. There is nothing intrinsically evil or bad about any part of a person. Our bodies are not inferior to our spirits. There is no such thing as a sacred pursuit vs. a secular pursuit. God created time. How can anything be secular? This is Hellenistic philosophy, and anyone is free to believe that there is a sacred/secular dichotomy. Except Christians.

Christians are to reframe everything. Going to the movies with friends is sacred. Going to work is sacred. Making dinner, mowing your lawn, getting a haircut, making love, doing your taxes, picking your teeth, reading a book, serving the homeless, singing songs at the top of your lungs in your car, seeing a doctor about your headaches, visiting your therapist, talking to your fishmonger, doing DBT, and even going to the bathroom are all sacred activities. Why? “May the LORD bless you and keep you. May He make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. May He lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24) This is one of the many biblical blessings that we live under. We are good according to God through and through, and we are blessed to live under the gracious keeping of God wherever we go. Our time and space in the world is kept and redeemed and smiled upon, therefore, it is sacred.

We are, therefore, free to pursue that which will benefit us and those around us, and the scientific discoveries and medical breakthroughs that benefit humanity at large are all a part of living under the blessings and favor of God. Because, according to John 3:17, the world is reconciled, everyone lives under this favor and blessing. We need never fear again to be among anyone. Our personal holiness was determined by Jesus and his life, death, resurrection, and ascension; never our performance. Gnosticism must be recognized, renounced, and eradicated so that all of us are finally free to pursue health, wholeness, and peace knowing that this very purpose is part of our God-given destiny and in line with Jesus’ declaration:

“The Spirit of the Lord is with me. He has anointed me to tell the Good News to the poor. He has sent me to announce forgiveness to the prisoners of sin and the restoring of sight to the blind, to forgive those who have been shattered by sin, to announce the year of the Lord’s favor.” Luke 4:18-19

Shalom…

The Borderline Church

Posted on November 4, 2013 by MJ

7 Comments

It is not my intent to offend people by writing my observations. I’m not trying to be provocative. I am, however, going to point out a dynamic that has been swirling about church culture for as long as I’ve been privy to it. It’s important because many, many people go to church. It doesn’t matter what denomination you choose. From what I have experienced, some flavor of this will almost certainly be present.

I was confirmed orthodox Lutheran when I was a teenager under my mother’s very strong influence (meaning I had no choice) which is only one step away from Catholicism, but I have visited many other Christian church environments. My father preferred the Southern pentecostal denomination complete with yelling, public displays of speaking in tongues, people falling on the ground “slain in the spirit”, and exuberant singing. My stepfather came from a charismatic Catholic church, and my mother liked to church hop prior to her Lutheran phase. Hence, I visited many streams of Southern Baptist denominations as well as other denominations in North American and Europe. I’ve been in Episcopal churches, Anglican churches, Emergent church gatherings, French and Italian Catholic masses, and Methodist churches. In the history of my 36 year journey with God, I’ve only been to two Christian congregations where I have not heard some form of what I will label “legalistic, religious nonsense”. I don’t know what else to call it–RBS. Religious Bullshit.

This is important to note because when people I meet go to a Christian church there is an expectation that what is spoken, observed, and displayed will be truthful and align with biblical truths. Here is one very basic truth that should flow like a river through every Christian denomination:

16 For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life. 17 For God did not send the Son into the world in order to judge (to reject, to condemn, to pass sentence on) the world, but that the world might find salvation and be made safe and sound through Him. John 3:16-17

This is a founding principle–even dogma–of the Christian faith. This is why many people in pain who are dealing with trauma and tribulation show up on Sunday mornings. They are looking for the God of John 3:16 and particularly verse 17. The God who does not judge, reject, condemn, or pass sentence; the God who so dearly loved the world that He saved it. What are they finding? I ask this with honesty. Not to be confrontational.

I am not speaking for everyone, but I am speaking for many, many people whom I have met when I write this. I am speaking from a place of observation. Millennials are leaving the Christian church environment in record numbers. Why? Here are a few things I and people I’ve met have heard in various church environments:

Jesus died for you. Through Him you were made. You owe him your service.
God saves us so that we can save others.
God begrudgingly saves us because he theologically has to. He is fulfilling a contract because of the second covenant. So, you better be thankful. The Bible says that you have to be thankful and obey God because He saved us.
Grace means ‘unmerited favor’ which means that you don’t really deserve any of the favor that God has towards you. Technically, you’re worthless then.
You are just a sinner who’s been saved.
There is a cost to being a Christian so you must pay the cost. If that means giving a lot of your money away and being poor, then you must do that. God is not interested in your being happy or comfortable. He only wants your obedience. If you have to give up your family, then do it. Your happiness means nothing to God.
Women are like Eve. Women are born temptresses, and a godly man must never be alone with a woman lest he be tempted by her.
Your suffering is meant to teach you a lesson. If you suffer, then it’s because you have stepped out from under the umbrella of God’s grace. You must have sinned.
Sin is judged and punished so do your best to try your hardest to be obedient lest you open up your life to God’s judgment and wrath.
It is vital that you tithe lest you be punished by opening yourself up to devouring. God will take what belongs to him one way or another.

Please compare these statements to these:

“I gave birth to you! I’ve sacrificed so much for you! You can’t leave me. Don’t you dare abandon me!”
“You have no identity apart from who I say you are. I paid for your food and clothing and education while you were growing up. You will now do exactly what I tell you to do for the rest of your life because you owe me! You are ungrateful if you do not.”
“I’m your parent, and you have to be thankful for what I give you! It’s your job to love me because I’m your parent.”
“You only have worth because I say that you do. You’re worthless without me. You’re only alive because I say you are. I control your life.”
“I take care of you. I pay for everything that you do, therefore, I have say over who you are and what you do. I control your resources.”
“Do you think I care about your happiness? Do you think I care about what you want? You will do what I say and meet my needs because what I want and say matters more that you do! “
“You are intrinsically evil and inherently bad, and there is nothing you can do about it.”
“Look what you make me do? Do you see the lengths I must go to in order to teach you? Why won’t you just learn? You require extreme punishment to learn obedience to my will.”
“No matter what you do it’s never good enough. Try harder. But, no matter how hard you try it will never be good enough because you are not capable of being better. You are depraved.”
“You weren’t thankful enough. You didn’t give me what was mine. You didn’t pay attention to me. I want what’s mine, and you are mine. You wouldn’t exist without me! And I will take what’s mine.”

Do you see how similar the legalistic, religious messages are to the borderline adult/parent statements? Some of these statements could be made by an abusive spouse as well. In any case, it’s a predatory, personality-disordered person who would be making these statements, and the spirit behind these statements match the spirit behind the RBS statements. What are the intended messages?

You are a slave. You are an object.
You have to earn everything from God. There is no relationship at all. Christianity is like the feudal system, and we swear fealty.
You’re really only loved because of a contract. There’s nothing lovable or worthwhile about you. The Gospel isn’t really true.
God is a taskmaster God who actually despises humans.
Your performance determines your worth. The Bible’s declaration that we are new creations because of the Gospel is completely untrue.
You have to deny yourself daily even if that means tolerating abuse from other members of the faith community, within your marriage, or suffering personally. Jesus was crucified for you and even by you metaphorically, you sinner, so you might need to die at the hands of a spouse even if s/he is abusing you. After all, physical abuse isn’t specifically named in the Bible as a reason for divorce. Besides, partners generally don’t attack unless provoked. We are not valued. We are merely sinful creatures God is stooping down to bother with.
Any kind of suffering can be explained in two ways: 1) You deserved it or 2) God is teaching you a lesson.
Don’t ask questions or question leadership lest you be ousted and alienated. God put leaders into place. They are ordained. It is insubordination, disobedience, pride, and stubbornness to question an elder.
Relational aggression among women in Christian communities is often higher than in most high school settings. Women are seeking personal empowerment at the expense of other women due to being objectified and vilified in church culture simply due to their gender. After all, Eve was evil for tempting Adam, therefore, all women are evil. This is a religious view that has been around for centuries.

Everything I have described here I have heard Christians say and witnessed in various religious settings. Comparing the RBS statements and messages to the borderline statements, you’ll see a frightening congruency. The messages are the frighteningly similar if not the same. Who becomes the ultimate abuser here? God. Christians are just His representatives. It is a sobering thing to see once it’s written out, isn’t it? There is a name for this. It’s called spiritual abuse.

Spiritual abuse is a very real thing. I have yet to meet one Christian who has not been spiritually abused in one way or another because these messages can be very subtle. The most powerful lies usually possess a tiny grain of truth, and then that grain of truth is pushed through the distortion machine. What comes out is something that might sound a little familiar, but it’s nowhere near true.

Why write all this out? Well, I write this because I am meeting more and more people who feel crazy. They are starting to question their community church experiences. They intellectually “believe” that God loves them. They intellectually know that they have worth. They intellectually know that their performance isn’t supposed to determine how God feels about them, but the moment they step into a small group or spend time in their religious environment, they begin to doubt what they know. They certainly don’t feel loved or accepted. What they know in their heads won’t drop to their hearts. They can’t experience any consolation because they are too busy trying not to feel double-minded about themselves. How can they know this loving, kind, generous, merciful, gracious God if they’re supposed to be volunteering, tithing more, worshiping more, looking like they have it all together, and getting themselves straightened out so that they can, in turn, go off and save everyone else? Isn’t this what Christianity is all about?

NO.

God does not have a personality disorder. If you feel crazy, then maybe it’s because you’re living in Borderland Christianity. I know a lot of people who are. I used to be one of them. I left. I haven’t looked back. I have no regrets. It’s worth walking off the map. Here are some resources to get you started if you’re curious to know what life outside of the Borderlands looks like…

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson
The Practice of The Presence of God by Brother Lawrence
Seeing is Believing: Experiencing Jesus through Imaginative Prayer by Greg Boyd
Tired of Trying to Measure Up by Jeff VanVonderen

Astonishing

Posted on October 31, 2013 by MJ

Without Love…

Posted on October 31, 2013 by MJ

2 Comments

There is a reason I steer clear of Internet content. I end up writing blog posts in an effort to elucidate what is really true.

This morning, I thought I might visit CNN to catch up on current events. Aside from seeing that everyone is clearly pissed off about the ObamaCare website not working and, oh yeah, the Jonas Brothers are breaking up, a title caught my eye.

“Creationists Taunt Atheists in Latest Billboard War”

I sighed loudly. My interest was piqued. How bad could it be, I wondered. Oh, it’s bad.

A new video billboard in New York’s Times Square has a message from creationists, “To all of our atheist friends: Thank God you’re wrong.”

The video advertisement at 42nd Street and Eighth Avenue in Manhattan is one of several billboards going up this week in New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles, paid for by Answers in Genesis.

Answers in Genesis is best known as the multimillion-dollar Christian ministry behind the Creation Museum outside Cincinnati.

The museum presents the case for Young Earth creationism, following what it says is a literal interpretation of the book of Genesis, which says the Earth was created by God in six days less than 10,000 years ago.

Ken Ham, president of Answers in Genesis, said the idea for the advertisements came from an atheist billboard in Times Square at Christmas.

During the holidays, the American Atheists put up a billboard with images of Santa Claus and Jesus that read: “Keep the Merry, dump the myth.”

“The Bible says to contend for the faith,” Ham said. “We thought we should come up with something that would make a statement in the culture, a bold statement, and direct them to our website.

“We’re not against them personally. We’re not trying to attack them personally, but we do believe they’re wrong,” he said. (CNN.com)

I noticed that I was grinding my back molars. Oh, these guys! The people who believe science and faith are mutually exclusive. Wow, I’m not an atheist, but between this “Christian ministry” and Westboro Baptist Church I sure feel motivated to renounce something! Please allow me to shed some light on something for you on this beautiful Halloween morning…

The verse that this group is using to justify their blatantly UNChristian behavior is found in the first and only chapter of Jude. Jude is the smallest book in the New Testament and in the entire Bible. The verse in its entirety reads like this: Beloved, my whole concern was to write to you in regard to our common salvation. [But] I found it necessary and was impelled to write you and urgently appeal to and exhort [you] to contend for the faith which was once for all handed down to the saints [the faith which is that sum of Christian belief which was delivered verbally to the holy people of God]. Who is Jude talking to? Jude is most likely writing this letter to one of the Gentile churches around Ephesus, and the entire letter is a warning to remain watchful for false teachers. One of the prevailing warnings in this text was to defend the Gospel against the particular false teaching that Jesus was not going to return. The First Jewish-Roman War occurred around 67 CE, and Christians believed that Jesus would return around this time. War means death and suffering. Christians were very hopeful that their tribulations meant the Second Coming was at hand. When He did not return, certain teachers began proclaiming that the Gospel was false.

Bad behavior of all sorts pertaining to these false teachers is also discussed. This is appropriate to the times. Keep in mind, Jude is living in the first century under Roman rule. Both Caligula and Nero ruled the Roman empire during the first century; both men are infamous for their very bad behavior within government and the culture. Jude’s descriptions of sensuality would have not been unusual for this time period. In the end, Jude is vehemently telling the Christians in Asia Minor to steer clear of apostasy and keep false teachers out of their church. They are to focus on what was taught to them orally which was the Gospel of Jesus.

There is irony here. The very book of the Bible from which Answers in Genesis (AIG), this Christian ministry, is drawing their Biblical evidence to justify their behavior makes them culpable. Jude wasn’t telling his audience to defend their faith against pagans and unbelievers. He was warning them against those who looked like Christians but were not!

Every time a person professing to be a Christian wonders what they are to do in any given situation, they need to look at Jesus. What did he do? Well, what did he say in the Sermon on The Mount?

3 Blessed (happy, to be envied, and spiritually prosperous—with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions) are the poor in spirit (the humble, who rate themselves insignificant), for theirs is the kingdom of heaven!

4 Blessed and enviably happy [with a happiness produced by the experience of God’s favor and especially conditioned by the revelation of His matchless grace] are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted!

5 Blessed (happy, blithesome, joyous, spiritually prosperous—with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions) are the meek (the mild, patient, long-suffering), for they shall inherit the earth!

6 Blessed and fortunate and happy and spiritually prosperous (in that state in which the born-again child of God enjoys His favor and salvation) are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (uprightness and right standing with God), for they shall be completely satisfied!

7 Blessed (happy, to be envied, and spiritually prosperous—with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions) are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy!

8 Blessed (happy, enviably fortunate, and spiritually prosperous—possessing the happiness produced by the experience of God’s favor and especially conditioned by the revelation of His grace, regardless of their outward conditions) are the pure in heart, for they shall see God!

9 Blessed (enjoying enviable happiness, spiritually prosperous—with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions) are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they shall be called the sons of God!

10 Blessed and happy and enviably fortunate and spiritually prosperous (in the state in which the born-again child of God enjoys and finds satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of his outward conditions) are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake (for being and doing right), for theirs is the kingdom of heaven!–Matthew 5

And, if you’re really not sure, then just remember this: Love your neighbor as yourself.–Mark 12

I’m pretty sure that 1 Corinthians 13 specifically says NOT to taunt, but just in case it still feels okay to taunt, embarrass, shame, or humiliate a group of people that you don’t like, read this:

But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,–Matthew 5:44

The bottom line is this: What this “ministry” is doing is wrong. It is not in any way Christ-like. They are not attempting to show love or compassion. They are trying to shame and embarrass another group of people into some kind of compliance. Frankly, it’s evil. This behavior only reinforces the opinions, resentments, and possible hatred of other groups in our culture. The entire display is inflammatory. Brennan Manning was right when he said,

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.”

The Cult of The Virgin

Posted on October 30, 2013 by MJ

8 Comments

I have got to get this off my chest. At this point, I don’t care if every person who reads this blog never reads it again. There comes a point when one can’t be silent anymore.

I came across an article today while doing a search for something completely unrelated. It appeared in Christianity Today. It used phrases like “emotional purity” and “emotional fornication”. I was taken aback. My eyes began to water. Who put these phrases together? Here’s a tidbit:

In her book Get Married, for example, Candice Watters recalls “… sitting in class learning about all the ways our country was slipping from its constitutional foundations. And in a moment of exasperation, I raised my hand and called out, ‘So what’s the solution?’ … Dr. Hubert Morken didn’t disappoint. He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and let his grenade fly: ‘Get married, make babies, and do government. That’s how we win.’ ” In other words, lie back and think of America. Just go out and get married. And if you’re not in love, get over it and get married anyway…Author and psychologist Stephen Simpson, quoted at Crosswalk.com, argues, “Falling in love before you got married or engaged was a twentieth-century concept.” Blogger “arlemagne1” at the Ruth Institute Blog: “So, what’s romantic love? Essentially, it’s an addiction. … And like so many drugs of addiction, everybody would be better off attributing much less importance to it.” In her book The Way of a Man with a Maid, Robin Phillips gives several examples of young Christian adults who were expected to maintain “emotional purity” (i.e., not to fall in love) until they reached the very altar. For instance: “I have a friend named Emily who had always accepted the teaching about emotional purity and believed that to have a crush on a boy amounted to nurturing an idol in her heart. However, when Emily actually found herself being attracted to a young man, she was helpless to know how to handle it. Nor were matters helped when friends began to come up to Emily and say, ‘Don’t you know that you are committing emotional fornication? You’re being promiscuous and I think you should be careful to save yourself totally for your future husband.'” (Christianity Today)

I was sick to my stomach. Since when did having a crush on a boy become a sin? Since when did hoping for a love match become a starry-eyed fantasy? Has anyone read their Bible? I’m serious here. Have these so-called Christians truly developed a relationship with God? Do they know Him? Have they read the Song of Songs? It’s erotica for Pete’s sake! You can call it an allegory if that makes you more comfortable, but at the end of the day it’s still a man singing about a woman who he is in love with! And, it’s a woman singing back to him. If it’s God Himself beckoning the Bride of Christ to Himself, then shouldn’t we model the spirit of that all the more in our most intimate relationship?

The song opens with, “Kiss me tenderly! Your love is better than wine, and you smell so sweet.” How’s that for an invitation? Solomon sings to his lover, “Earrings add to your beauty, and you wear a necklace of precious stones. Let’s make you some jewelry of gold woven with silver.” She replies to him, “My king, while you were on your couch, my love was a magic charm. My darling, you are perfume between my breasts; you are flower blossoms from the gardens of En-Gedi…I am hungry for love! Put your left hand under my head and embrace me with your right arm.” Her lover responds, “My darling, you are lovely, so very lovely—as you look through your veil, your eyes are those of a dove. Your hair tosses about as gracefully as goats coming down from Gilead. Your teeth are whiter than sheep freshly washed, they match perfectly, not one is missing. Your lips are crimson cords, your mouth is shapely, behind your veil are hidden beautiful rosy cheeks. Your neck is more graceful than the tower of David decorated with thousands of warriors’ shields. Your breasts are perfect; they are twin deer feeding among lilies. I will hasten to those hills sprinkled with sweet perfume and stay there till sunrise.” Clearly, this is sexy stuff, and this is a song for lovers–not two married people. Does that seem scandalous to you? Ruth seduced Boaz when he was drunk. They were not married. Read your Bible if you don’t believe me!

Going even further, during the time of the Old Testament and into the New Testament, sex was permitted under three circumstances–under contract of marriage, contract of betrothal, and in a concubine relationship. A concubine relationship is essentially a longterm relationship with a woman that will end at some point in the future. It’s not just relating to harems.

We’ve certainly come a long way. NOT. Do you know what this is? This is fear. This is a group of people who have lost their way and who do not know the Gospel. It’s also a revisitation to the Middle Ages in a renaissance of The Cult of The Virgin. The Cult of The Virgin is not a new thing. It shows its face in many eras throughout history and in many forms. It looks pretty sometimes, but religious fervor and fear are at its helm. Rather than become emotionally mature humans who develop social skills, empathy, and wisdom appropriate for the times, people go straight for a frontal lobotomy in the form of judgmentalism, fear mongering, negativity, and hatred. This latest teaching on emotional purity, emotional fornication, and the abandonment of love and sexual passion in longterm relationships is merely a reaction to the experience of feeling a loss of control and relevance in the culture. It is also the Church defining herself entirely in the negative.

Let me describe it like this. If I wanted to draw Michelangelo’s masterpiece David, what is the best way to do it? Should I fly to Florence, sit in front of the sculpture during the day when the lighting is the best, and sketch the sculpture in person? Or, should I find a photograph and attempt to reproduce an image by only drawing the negative space? If I only focus on the negative space of the sculpture what will my resultant sketch resemble? Will it look like Michelangelo’s David? No. Negative space provides guidelines for aspect, shape, and perspective when we draw. That’s it. We cannot capture the richness of details, contrast, depth, or anything else when looking at negative space. We must look at the object itself if we want to reproduce it. It seems to me that the Church has been looking entirely and only at the negative to define her responses to it. How else can you explain the emergence of something like “emotional fornication”? It is absurd, and it has no place in an empowered life.

That is not to say that people don’t participate in emotional promiscuity, but that is an altogether different thing. Emotional promiscuity is when a person causes another to believe that they are safe and trustworthy, thus, forcing an intimacy on an emotional level. Once the other person has exposed themselves to the other person in sometimes very profound ways, the other person, feeling powerful and full up on met needs, ends the relationship abruptly. It’s the emotional form of “hitting it and quitting it”, and the person left often feels exposed and used. There is a definite vulnerability hangover as well as profound regret for having shared too much. This is actually a very common behavior in Christian circles; it’s related to serial monogamy. People want the emotional hit that comes from the oxytocin dump associated with deep, intimate bonding. Humans release oxytocin during orgasm, and I do wonder if there isn’t an oxytocin dump when people share profound things on an emotional level, too. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone that mothers’ bodies release after giving birth. It bonds mothers to their newborn infants. This is one reason sex is so powerful. It bonds humans together on a chemical level.

Now, I’m sure someone is going to quote a scripture at me talking about salt and preserving the culture. Well, the Church as it is now isn’t relevant. Tell me how pointing a cold, bony finger at some poor soul and shouting, “Fornicator! Emotional fornicator! If only you’d kept your heart pure and not had a crush on that girl at your office!” is relevant to the ills of society. If you want to be relevant, then look at Jesus. Did Jesus ever press the SEX button? Nope. There’s a concept. What did His Father do? Well, if you read Zephaniah 3, you’ll find out that God sings songs of love over us. LOVE. Did you know that the Bible talks about three different kinds of love? There’s brotherly, or friendly, love (philia). There’s erotic love (eros). Then, there’s God’s love as described in 1 Corinthians 13 (agape). Apparently, we’re created to experience all three.

It’s time that we stop defining ourselves by negatives and begin looking at what is true. There is no formula. We will love others, and we will be betrayed. Jesus was. There is no guarantee that we will marry with success. Divorces happen to the best people. It’s even allowed for in the Bible. To be human is to try and fail. To be human is also to try again. Decide for yourself today if you will focus on who you want to be completely free of fear or if you will fall victim to dangerous religion because that’s what this latest teaching is. As Jesus Himself put it in Matthew 23–“They crush people with unbearable religious demands.” The truth is, life is messy and ambiguous with few guarantees. Me? I will not be following this latest religious fad. Instead, I think I shall stay the course and agree with C.S. Lewis…

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis

Love Thyself

Posted on October 29, 2013 by MJ

1 Comment

“To be accepted is to have your whole person, good or otherwise, received by another without condemnation.”

“God has made us accepted in the Beloved” (Ephesians 1:3-9).

We are told to ‘accept one another just as Christ also accepted you, to the glory of God.’ (Romans 15:7) Acceptance is to receive someone into relationship, love God wholeheartedly, and love your neighbor as yourself.

Activation:

What does the word acceptance mean to you?
What must change in you to practice a lifestyle of acceptance with no thought of condemnation, judgment or criticism? (Keys to Brilliant Focus, Graham Cooke)

What is your first response to this? My knee-jerk reaction was, “I criticize a lot of people. Wow, I should really work on this.” I stopped for a moment and realized that my initial reaction wasn’t going to get me anywhere because that isn’t the point of these questions. The point is to reveal to us the nature of God which is to say that He isn’t critical at all. He isn’t judgmental, and He doesn’t condemn. Any other theology is false.

So, what does this mean? What would it look like to practice a lifestyle of acceptance free of condemnation, judgement, and criticism? Firstly, it means that you would accept yourself! No more criticizing, condemning, and judging yourself. You would actually have to accept your whole self, good or otherwise, without condemnation. It’s a divine command! How can you love your neighbor as you love yourself if you don’t really like who you are? You can’t!

Let me give you an example. I know a woman who seems to like to insult me but in a veiled manner. Whenever I see her, she almost always says something about my appearance. One day, I was wearing a green jacket. She pointed it out. “Wow, what color green is that? I don’t think I would ever buy a jacket in that color. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it looks nice on you, but I would never wear that color. And the sleeve length? I don’t think I would buy a jacket with such short sleeves! I would worry that I looked bad. And, the waist is so high! Being tall, I am always concerned about my waist. I mean, it looks fine on YOU, but I just don’t think I could ever wear something like that.”

I just stood there and listened to her take my jacket and my taste in clothing apart. I knew what she was doing. She has a habit of doing this. Once she was done with her fashion diatribe, I corrected her, “The sleeve length is actually 3/4 length which is appropriate for people with long arms. You don’t have to worry at all about length, and the waist is called an empire waist so, in this case, you don’t have to be concerned about where the waist on the jacket will fall on your body. It’s supposed to be high. That’s how the jacket is tailored. It’s a good jacket for taller people with longer arms.” We needn’t attempt to empower ourselves by being cruel in these situations, but we don’t need to be victims either.

She didn’t say anything after that except that she had to get in the last word, “Well, I wouldn’t wear anything like that…not that there’s anything wrong with it.”

This interaction had nothing to do with me. It’s entirely about her own insecurities. Because she is insecure, she is constantly assessing other women who perhaps take risks in the fashion department, not that my jacket was cutting the edge of modernity. Because she was judging herself, criticizing her own choices firstly, she was destined to do the same to others. Her lack of love and gentleness towards herself caused her to feel defensive in the presence of other women who possessed qualities that she wanted. So, she insulted and criticized those women rather than celebrated them. In the end, it starts with how we accept and love ourselves. We cannot practice a lifestyle of acceptance if we don’t accept ourselves. We cannot love our neighbors as ourselves if we don’t love ourselves first. To deny yourself means to deny your self-hatred. It means that we deny ourselves the masochistic pleasure of criticizing and judging ourselves. It means that we take the initiative and step into the process of reconciling our view of ourselves with God’s view of who we are.

What might that view be? Who does God say that you are? Well, there is one thing that you can be absolutely certain of. No matter what the specifics are, whoever you are, God’s view of you will be astonishing. It won’t be characterized by criticisms, judgments, or belittling declarations about how you look, what you did that one time, or those annoying habits that you just can’t seem to break. That’s how humans operate. That is nothing like God. God takes great pleasure in HImself, and, since we are made in His image, He would have to take great pleasure in us.

Truly, we are accepted. Once we begin to practice internalizing this, we can then begin to practice accepting others. Our filter will change, and we will no longer find any appeal in judgment, criticism, or condemnation. Why? Because it is so much more exhilarating to see what could be than what used to be or even what is.

So, today, know this–you are accepted completely for who you are. Right now. In this moment. So, be kind to yourself. Why? Because God is kind to you whether that has ever been your experience of God or not. May that begin to become your reality today.

Dream A Bigger Dream

Posted on October 25, 2013 by MJ

3 Comments

“While kayaking in the Cache River National Wildlife Refuge on Feb. 11, 2004, Gene Sparling of Hot Springs, Ark., saw an unusually large, red-crested woodpecker fly toward him and land on a nearby tree. He noticed several field marks suggesting the bird was an ivory-billed woodpecker.” (Science Daily)

The only problem with Sparling’s sighting is that the ivory-billed woodpecker was thought to be extinct. The last sighting was over sixty years ago.

A week later, after learning of the sighting, Tim Gallagher, editor of the Cornell Lab of Ornithology’s Living Bird magazine, and Bobby Harrison, associate professor at Oakwood College, Huntsville, Ala., interviewed Sparling. They were so convinced by his report that they traveled to Arkansas and then with Sparling to the bayou where he had seen the bird.

On Feb. 27, as Sparling paddled ahead, a large black-and-white woodpecker flew across the bayou less than 70 feet in front of Gallagher and Harrison, who simultaneously cried out: “Ivory-bill!” Minutes later, after the bird had disappeared into the forest, Gallagher and Harrison sat down to sketch independently what each had seen. Their field sketches, included in the Sciencearticle, show the characteristic patterns of white and black on the wings of the woodpecker.

“When we finished our notes,” Gallagher said, “Bobby sat down on a log, put his face in his hands and began to sob, saying, ‘I saw an ivory-bill. I saw an ivory-bill.'” Gallagher said he was too choked with emotion to speak. “Just to think this bird made it into the 21st century gives me chills. It’s like a funeral shroud has been pulled back, giving us a glimpse of a living bird, rising Lazarus-like from the grave,” he said. (Science Daily)

I listened to an interview with Gene Sparling on NPR in the mid-nineties after it was discovered that the ivory-billed woodpecker was indeed not extinct. I was ecstatic that this rare bird had managed to survive, but I was intrigued by what he said in his interview. He shared that as a boy he used to look at drawings of the woodpecker and dream that one day he would find an ivory-billed woodpecker still alive in the swamps. That was his dream. He admitted that it was an impossible dream because the bird was extinct. Nonetheless, it was the dream he carried within his boyish imagination. So, he would go kayaking in the swamps with a flicker of a hope that he might spot the extinct bird. And, beyond any expectation, he did! The little boy’s dream came true! Gene Sparling was the first man to spot an ivory-billed woodpecker in 60 years!

It’s this story and stories like these that inspire me, and I hope they might light a fire within you on days when you feel tempted to despair. I see God’s very nature in this story. Gene Sparling had a dream. An impossible dream. He got in his kayak and searched. Is it possible that he might never have seen that woodpecker? Yes, but what did this man find in the search for it? What might we find in our search for the impossible? What might change in us in our journey to realize the impossible? Whatever your impossible dreams are, I believe that the Tale of The Ivory-Billed Woodpecker tells us that we are designed to try. Just because everyone tells you that it’s not possible doesn’t mean that you can’t. After all, if Gene Sparling’s boyhood dream of finding an extinct bird came true, then why can’t my dreams come true? Why can’t yours? Desire is the catalyst, and time and effort is the crucible.

Look what happened with Gene’s time and effort?

image947968x — The Ivory-Billed Woodpecker in its natural habitat (cbs.news)

What might happen with yours? It really excites me to think about it.

Making Choices

Posted on October 24, 2013 by MJ

4 Comments

As much as I find therapy helpful, I process my life differently most of the time. I always have. Sometimes I want to describe myself as a theist. It’s easier because the term “Christian” or Jewish means different things to different people. To some people, the term Christian=Westboro Baptist Church. And Jewish? Well, that’s just full of history that I needn’t explain. I can try to explain that I’m nothing like the Westboro Baptists until I’m blue in the face, but it will make little difference. In their mind, God=Westboro Baptist Church=hatred. It’s very reminiscent of how people have associated Islam with terrorism. There are a plethora of wonderful Muslim people in the world who love their families and communities and renounce what was done on 9/11. They can stand on the roofs of their homes and shout, “I am nothing like that!” What good would it do? To many Westerners and more specifically Americans, muslim=terrorist=Middle Easterner.

For some people, Christian=smarmy and dishonest. I’ve written about Ted Haggard before. I think he should have been treated differently, but, at the same time, he was the face of evangelical Christianity not only to American Christians but to Americans in general. There are long-lasting consequences when a public figure who associates himself with virtue and faith turns out to be dishonest. It’s a betrayal of huge proportions.

For some people, Christian=pedophile, and we can really thank the Catholic Church for that.

I could go on with this word association, but it’s clear that the one word I historically used to describe myself in terms of my faith is laden with meaning most of which is entirely negative to some people, justifiably so. And, I must say, I’m so weary of it sometimes. I do understand why people are suspicious. I’m suspicious. When I meet a new person who shares with me that they are a Christian even I ask myself, “What kind of Christian are you?” I find myself paying attention, watching, listening for markers of religious judgment. Are they safe? Do they really follow the teachings of Jesus? Or, do they love being right? Are they so steeped in politico-religious ideology that people aren’t to be cared for anymore? In those moments, I become guilty of the very thing that I have come to resent in the culture, but I find myself justifying it anyway. What are my options? Christians are notorious for laying aside the fruits of the Spirit when they get their back up. The worst treatment I’ve ever experienced in terms of abuse came at the hands of Christians. Why is this?

I have a working theory. Keep in mind, it’s just a theory, but I’ll lay it out there. Here goes…

Many of my friends are secular humanists. Their worldview is consequently very different from mine in terms of the Divine. I believe in a personal God who intervenes in the affairs of humanity to bring about the highest good. We see this in the Tanakh with the Hebrew people. In the New Testament, we also see a picture of a deeply personal God who isn’t just involved with people groups and world affairs but also with individuals and destinies. A vital point to remember, however, is that Jesus was Jewish. He was part of the Hebrew people group. The entire Bible was written by Jews with a Jewish audience. This helps immensely when reading it. That being said, when I interact with my agnostic friends, many of them have a certain quality in their lives that many of my Christian acquaintances lack save a few. The agnostic people that I know are willing to take risks and are open to change when it comes to their lives. They are also very self-motivated. Why? There is no one else who is going to do it for them. If they have a problem, then they have to solve it. There is no room for passivity if you are your own god. Who is going to save you? You.

Many of the Christian people I meet are the opposite. They seem to possess an expectation that God is going to do everything for them. They will just pray and wait. Nothing changes. When asked why they are not pursuing an action plan, they say, “I’m praying.” They expect God to do their work for them. God will help them with their rage issues. God will help them with whatever issue they have be it addiction, anxiety, depression, bitterness, unforgiveness, melancholy, or whatever else is contributing to their malcontent or bad habits. So, if one has even been abusive towards someone, one can justify it because, while they have prayed for help, God hasn’t come through. It’s really God’s fault then. Not their own. When one reads the Bible, however, God is not characterized as a personality that intervenes like this. He does not usurp our will nor does He take our problems away. He does quite the opposite. He told Moses to go to Pharaoh. Moses didn’t want to go. He hemmed and hawed, fussed, and gave Him all sorts of reasons why he couldn’t. He told him to go anyway and empowered him with a companion, Aaron. What about Gideon? Did Gideon want to fight? No. Could Gideon fight? Gideon described himself to God as something of a dwarf! He, too, didn’t want to deal with God’s request. “Go anyway,” God said. Did God make it easy on him? No. Did God take his anxiety away? No. Did Gideon while the weeks away praying? He tried. Did he try to get away with being passive? Sure. Did God allow this for a little while? Yes. In the end, Gideon had to step into God’s vision of him–a mighty warrior. What about Mary? A teenager mysteriously gets pregnant before she’s married, and the trajectory of her life is changed forever. She could have decided to hide in her room. She could have chosen passivity. There are a buffet of choices set before us on any given day. Why do so many Christians expect God to do their work for them when the God of the Bible has never shown Himself to be that Person?

In the entire Bible, both Old and New Testaments, “choose” is used over 300 times. That’s twice as many times as ‘repent’. Even Jesus had to choose in the end whether He would submit to the crucifixion. He chose according to the existing texts. He collaborated with God. God did not make Jesus do anything. This is exactly what I think we all need to internalize. We choose. We choose every single day how we will behave. If we can’t choose anymore because there is something within our genetic make-up that is limiting our ability to choose, like an inherited illness, then we must choose to get help if we can. Diabetes, for example, limits one’s ability to choose at times because it does affect cognition particularly during times of low blood sugar. One must be sure to be followed by a physician. One must be sure to seek the help of trained dietitians. One must be educated on how to care for one’s body, how to make good food choices, how to administer insulin, and how to measure blood sugar on a daily basis. The same is true for disorders of the brain. The brain is an internal organ. When the brain experiences illness or malfunction, there are symptoms ranging from pain to behavioral manifestations. We see this in people with Alzheimer’s Disease. What appears to so often be a cognitive and/or a behavioral disturbance is actually entirely rooted in the brain. A person’s ability to choose for themselves is vastly limited in this case. Others must choose for them in order to properly care for them.

These things are understood by most people. Why then do so many of us struggle with personal responsibility and choice? Perhaps because it is, in the end, easier to blame someone else for our state of misery than to do something about it.

As I have come to see it, however, it usually comes down to choice. I am not responsible for you. I am not responsible for a lot, but I am responsible for my choices, my behaviors, my own happiness, and the impact that I’m having on the environs in my sphere of influence. When I engage in life with true intentionality, asking God what His intentions are, choosing to step into agreement with that, then there is a tremendous empowerment that overtakes my circumstances. Momentum increases. I move forward. Things change. I change. Good choices are made. Passivity is eradicated. Hope expands. And, the renewal of my mind is finally made possible. True repentance, the act of thinking differently, is not possible without choosing. We choose first before we ever think differently, and this is not dependent upon God. It’s dependent upon us. This is why God is looking for collaborators. For partners. It is one of the reasons why, in Christian tradition, He calls the Church the Bride of Christ. A bride, a wife, is a partner in life. Not a passive victim waiting to be rescued from the tower. A spouse walks with you in step, sharing the journey. At its best, the marriage relationship is one of the most empowering and intimate relationships we’ll ever know, and marriages begin with a choice.

I have lived in places where I have not wanted to choose. I have wanted rescue. I have wanted an easier road. I have disdained the smell of my life. I have resented my own personal responsibility and marinated in blame. This is the Land of Magical Thinking where the inhabitants make declarations like:

“Someday it’ll get better.”
“I’m working on it.”
“Maybe one day I’ll look into therapy, but not now.”
“I’ll do something about it when everything calms down.”
“Maybe when the kids are older…”
“I’m just so tired…”
“It’s all my husband’s fault.”
“It’s my mother’s fault.”
“It’s my wife’s fault.”
“It’s my father’s fault.”
“It’s all my fault. What’s the point?”
“It’ll never get better. Why bother trying?”
“I’ve tried before. Nothing changed. Nothing will ever change.”
“I’m fine.”

It is interesting to observe that choosing to do nothing is still choosing.

This is what startles me the most. I choose every day. Every day is an opportunity to grow. Every day is an opportunity to experience the generosity and loving-kindness of God. Every day is an opportunity to extend that kindness to others. Every day is a new opportunity to choose and make new discoveries. Every day is a day to choose to be astonished.

And, I can’t help but wonder what might change in the Christian Church if Christians just stopped for a while and chose to be astonished by the very God they claim to love and, hence, themselves. They might choose differently…

“If you are learning to have a great opinion of yourself in Christ, why not extend that privilege to lots of other people?”–Graham Cooke

Practicing The Skills

Posted on October 20, 2013 by MJ

3 Comments

I wasn’t going to write about this, but I thought perhaps I might in an effort to show what continued work looks like.

As I’ve said, I decided to go back to therapy to make sure that I was contained. After my mother’s repeated attempts at contact, I felt latent symptoms of PTSD come to the surface again. I viewed this as an opportunity to achieve deeper healing. When I’m honest with myself, I must recognize that there are most likely issues lurking about that I simply haven’t remembered or felt ready to confront.

During my last session, my therapist wanted me to practice containment. I know how to do this. I’ve been doing this for years. This is all in preparation for EMDR. She makes the point that even though we may target a certain memory or event, something else may get dredged up with it. I understand this. My brain is currently primed to do this work. So, if something really troubling comes forward during session, I need to be able to contain my emotions, affect, and whatever else comes forward so that I can leave her office and return to my life integrated. Containment is an important skill, and this is why it’s vital to use a tool like The Box with intention. It helps to form new neural pathways in place of perseveration.

So, how does this work in life? It all sounds so easy in theory.

Here’s a scenario. Last week I was making a quick bread that involved a crumble topping. I loathe getting my hands dirty when cooking. I always have. This makes no sense when cooking because your hands are your best tools in the kitchen. I, however, have always had an aversion to having sticky, greasy hands. I don’t like to lick my fingers when eating. I don’t even like to have lotion on my hands. I will always have numerous napkins on hand when eating or cooking to keep my hands clean. I decided, however, that I would use my hands to make the crumble topping. This resulted in my hands being covered in butter and sugary goodness. I stared at my hands, trying to figure out the best way to clean them. I thought to myself that perhaps I could lick the topping off. I never lick my fingers so that seemed like a weird option. Why not lick my fingers? That’s not bad, right? It felt like a strange thing to do. I opted to “live a little” and lick my fingers. As I was licking the sugar and butter off my fingers, I remembered something that my mother would do.

When I was a young girl, I loved to lick the beaters that were used to mix cookie doughs. I think this is typical. My daughters stand in line to lick the beaters, and arguments often ensue over who will lick what beater, who will go first, etc. My mother, however, had a game. I couldn’t lick the beaters until I had licked her finger. She would scoop up some dough with her index finger, hold it in front of my face, and say, “You have to lick my finger first, and then I’ll give you a beater.” I remember not liking this. I didn’t want to lick her finger. I remember feeling strangely in my stomach. I also remember clamping my mouth shut and shaking my head to indicate a no. My mother was not one to take no for an answer so she would force her finger into my mouth. The game didn’t stop there. She would then take one of my fingers, dip it into the dough, and lick it. I remember very clearly how it felt to have my finger in her mouth, her tongue swirling around the tip of my little index finger. I looked at the floor and bit down on the inside of my cheek. I did not want to lick the cookie dough off the beaters anymore. In that moment, I hated her, and I just wanted to run away. After the game was over, she gave me a beater to lick. If I didn’t lick a beater, then I was scolded–“I thought you wanted to lick one of the beaters. Why are you standing there looking so upset?” So, I had to look happy. Always look happy.

This all came to the forefront of my mind as I stood in the kitchen licking my fingers. Well, no wonder I don’t like to lick my fingers or get my hands dirty! Oh, to have self-awareness. In that moment, I told my husband, “I’m remembering something. Just now. i’m making connections. You may not like this, but I need to tell someone. I need to speak it aloud.” So, I told him, and he shuddered. “I gotta tell you, your mother is never stepping foot in this house again. That’s just more than I can stand. That is so disgusting. I can’t believe she did that to you!” I watched him gag and shudder some more. I started laughing because I was shuddering, too. I felt a surge of pain and betrayal rise to the surface, and I wanted to cry. I could not, however, because it wasn’t the time. I had to contain the memories and the attached emotions. Into The Box it went.

And, it has stayed there. This is how containment works. I have discussed the memory, but I have not made any effort to connect emotions to it. I’ll do that at a later point when it’s safe to do it. The good thing about this memory is that it explains present behaviors, and I can now go about changing. I can practice getting my hands dirty when I cook and garden. I can practice licking my fingers when I eat. I need to attach different body memories to the act of licking my fingers. As odd as this sounds, I need to ask my husband to lick my fingers particularly in the bedroom. I need to override the memory of my mother licking my fingers. What she did was sexually abusive because there was an element of sexual abuse in her actions. It was far too intimate an action done to my body against my will. I need stronger and new events encoded to memory that will override everything else associated with finger licking.

This is an example of how I’ve chosen to deal with one traumatic memory that has surfaced in terms of basic DBT. I practiced emotional regulation. I utilized containment by using the tool called The Box. I also tolerated the distress that came with the emergence of the memory. I did not attempt to escape the distress. I practiced mindfulness by staying aware of my emotions and deciding which ones needed containment and which ones could be shared. I talked with my husband, and, by observing his responses, I saw that I, too, had a reason to have an intense response to the memory. Watching how other people react to our stories can be helpful. We often don’t know if what we experienced is bad because our experiences have often been normalized. We are allowed to feel and respond with intensity even if the people in our spheres of influence have told us otherwise. Our perception matters. How we feel in our body is indeed important and relevant.

I will bring this memory to my therapist’s attention in our next session, and that is when I will bring it out of The Box in full.

Incidentally, an experience like this can be very problematic if there is a history of other kinds of sexual abuse particularly if the abuse was oral in nature. The act of a person forcefully pushing something into your mouth will no doubt hook into other experiences and body memories wherein a person attempted to forcefully push something into your mouth against your will. This is exactly how triggered responses develop. Then, one day, you suddenly can’t endure going to the dentist for a simple exam. Your amygdala begins to view the oral invasion as the same experience, and you are on alert and triggered whether you like it or not. So, it is vitally important to take extra steps in your process to practice self-care. Be kind to yourself. Practice mindfulness, and don’t judge yourself. Healing is one of the most important works of your life. It takes courage and perseverance. Any step that you take to pursue a better life is to be applauded.

For further exploration of DBT refer to The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook.

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