I start EMDR today. Oddly enough, I’ve had very detailed nightmares for three nights. Nightmares in Technicolor.
I am not one to have nightmares. I have elaborate dreams from time to time, but this is different. These dreams are like my worst fears come to life, and I’m stuck in them. Or, it’s past trauma being acted out against me by the people in my life now whom I trust. It’s very weird, and I don’t like it.
Were I to step back and take a deeper look, I would say that my brain is priming the pump. It’s preparing to do the work of opening up the doors into the memories of past trauma. It’s beginning to play out the movies of what is actually stored in the unprocessed or maladaptively processed memory bank so that the actual process of EMDR goes well.
I gotta be honest here. This is extremely unpleasant. I was not myself yesterday. I was crying on and off all day. I know what I’m in for, but it’s time to do the shit work so that this shit can end. For good.
So, should you start therapy and begin to do trauma work, take heart. You might encounter something like this. I think that our brains like to help us out, but it sure doesn’t feel like a helping hand. It feels like the trauma merry-go-round. It’s not. It’s momentum gathering.
I’m off for the day. Time to go slay some dragons…